10 Songs That Will Ruin Your Life


Guest Blogger: PO



[Ed note: I think Po curses too much and dogs Sheryl Crow too hard, but first amendment]

Do not downplay the importance of music. Music is the friend we turn to when we are lonely, happy, frustrated or bored. It gives us the ability to think that we are cooler than another group of people, which thus gives us the power to tell people how to liveMusic also allows us to imagine a fantasyland where we are bad-ass bitches who don't take shit or super dudes who live in a world of endless blow jobs with no strings attached.

I'm not gonna get all Tipper Gore on you and blame music for inciting violence  (if you're a murderer type please shout from the rooftops that music didn't make you do it), but let's think seriously about what 500+ listens of "Bitches Ain't Shit" or "Call Your Girlfriend" have done to your brain. You think you know, but you have no idea. 

You know when you see a woman frowning around the supermarket carrying a huge bag of chips in one arm and a tub of ice cream in the other? Or a couple steady screaming at each other on the street like no one's around? Or a homeless man slumped against a wall, melting into the concrete? You always wonder what life choices they've made to get to their current situation. You'll never truly know, but some of these songs may have directly contributed to their downfall. Music can impede one's mood, relationships and rent-paying capabilities.

I recently found out about an old Soulja Boy song called "Crank That / Superman Dat Ho" that's about coming on a ladies' back and then attaching a sheet to her so it sticks to her like a cape. I know more than one fool tried that out after hearing this song. Just saying...


Bill. This lady treats you like shit in front of your friends and family, but because this beat is so good you've got us thinking it's okay to be emotionally abused as long as the sex is stellar. Tsk Tsk!


Jesus Janis, I don't think getting laid because the world is a depressing place or because you could get hit by a bus tomorrow is the best reason to fuck that half-passed-out dude in the back of the bar. You probably don't ever use protection either, right? You almost got us with the "being drunk enough to think that we'd be turning our backs on love if we didn't do it" but nah, girl, nah. 

3. Ain't No Fun - Snoop Dogg and obviously the ENTIRE DOGG POUND

Okay guys? You probably shouldn't all have sex with that girl. Especially if she is willing to lick all of your friends'  balls. This is only going to reinforce your inability to meet a girl in the (whole wide) world who you could actually love. Also, consider that maybe your view of women has been swayed by one lady in the past that did you wrong. So before you start passing another girl around to your friends just because she liked licking your balls, stop and think that maybe she really likes you and is just a sweetheart who wants you to enjoy yourself. 

4. Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes 

Dude. ARE you fucking serious? You are advocating the lamest way to go about cheating on your woman because you are bored??? You didn't even fucking know she liked Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, or making love at midnight. You almost lost an awesomely compatible companion, you douche.  Never listen to a dude who isn't ashamed to say he is into champagne. 


"If it makes you happy it can't be that bad... then why the hell are you so sad?" Well, let's see Sheryl. Maybe because you encouraged me to go ahead and do that thing that made me think I was happy, which happened to be arson, binging and purging my food, or kidnapping. Thanks for the advice you perma-old looking mole-having bitch.


Look guys, it's just irresponsible for you to advise innocent kids to take trains going anywhere to stick to their dreams and to hold on to their hopes when they are clearly turing into hookers, gamblers and junkies. Maybe don't roll the dice one more time and instead keep that paycheck for rent. Where's the pragmatism?

7. Prince's Entire Discography 

I mean come ON: I Wish I Was Your Girlfriend, I Would Die 4 U, Darling Nikki, Erotic City, How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore, Forever in My Life, Delirious, Get Off, Let's Go Crazy, Pink Cashmere, 7, Nothing Compares 2 U, House Quake, 1999, and the Batman Soundtrack... cause that shit was just wack. 


This is probably what they did when they got caught for lip syncing. Don't do it, it will only lead to death.


Bad, bad advice Stephen. This "grass ain't always greener" song just sounds like the ultimate settle-for-less, lower your expectations, give up and throw on those sweat pants ditty. The 'It' next to me is busted as fuck. Not majestic like an eagle, or a dove flying through the beautiful American sky. Yes, i am dating 'It' but i'm secretly wishing and hoping for better than this. S/he is a lazy, self obsessed,  Skeksi-looking thang and I'd rather be alone and keep pining for the one I love, thank you very much. You should be encouraging me to seek out higher quality partners.


Retaliation is a terrible way to deal with a cheating partner. Sitting there and counting the days that you have been neglected and betrayed and using that as an excuse for you to "creep around" will only breed more drama. Just because you girls look super cute in huge silk pajamas doesn't mean you can just turn this slumber party into a crazysexycool night of cheating on your significant other.

10 Things To Do Instead of Internet Stalking

You are an internet troll. A hyper-conscious, detail-oriented, pro-active internet spy who invades the privacy of unknowing victims. In your spare time you work pro bono for yourself as a private investigator. You spend an inordinate amount of time tracing and dissecting the details of others' lives, artfully piecing together their digital trails until you know everything you possibly can about your victim.

I understand how easy this is to do. Social networks were practically designed

for

internet stalking. Facebook is a browsing catalogue for boners and women use it to figure out every single female creature our boyfriends have ever had any contact with. But you know what you'll find if you go there? A heap of steaming turds you deliberately stepped in.

Don't let yourself fall into the black hole of temptation. I know it's fun to uncover the backstories, scandals, or sexual triumphs of people you know, work with, want to make rad babies with, exes, their new girlfriends or boyfriends, people you love, people you hate, teachers, bosses, bodega guys, celebrities, and hot bartenders.

Go ahead, make my day. You'll discover that everyone you date has been with someone hotter, younger, smarter, more interesting, better in bed, or richer than you. The person you think is a moron or an undeserving asshole at work has it easier than you. Your favorite porn star has it harder than you (HEY-O!). So instead of comparing notes and getting all up in Brenda's business, here are 10 things you can do that are better than stalking people on the Internet.

1. Go shroom in the desert

on New Year's Eve with say, ten friends. While you're peaking, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a crystalline forest in Burma that has trees covered in kaleidoscope bark reminiscent of

these beautiful geometric designs by Andy Gilmore

. Just a suggestion, not that I've ever done that a few weeks ago.

2. Be terrified by this video.

Terrrrified. Then think to yourself, "this is f*cking genius, son. Why didn't I make this video?" Then get a job at an ad agency that will keep you too busy to stalk people on the internet.

3. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet

like a proper adult. It takes practice, but let's put this universal battle to rest by mastering our fears, shall we?

4. Make a music video out of 3,000 movies.

 I interviewed the guy who made this and he told me he spent the same amount of time making this masterpiece than you've spent masturbating in your entire life. How many hours do you think that is all put together, a year? 8765.81 hours or so?

5. Fake it til you make.

No really, it works. At least according to this TED talk.

6. Listen to 

the world's best podcast, 

Star Talk Radio

.

 In the episode below my friend

Eugene Mirman

 talks astrophysics, dolphin blow jobs, and artificial intelligence with my hero

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

.

There are three other big brains and comedians in this episode and everyone has lots of interesting input.

However, I do

not

appreciate the part where the neuroscientist chick says she doesn't believe in 

The Singularity

and a Kurzweilian future. LET US DREAM, LADY.

7. Help lobby Hollywood's Power Gays to collectively buy Chick-Fil-A so we can eat there again.

Did you know that every time you eat their spicy chicken sandwich a gay person dies? Seriously. I have two gay cousins, a gay brother, two gay step cousins, and a gay uncle somewhere. I love them all very much and don't want them to die at the hands of a delishaaassssssss sandwich. We need Andy Cohen, N.P.H., Ellen and The Coops on this shit. NOW.

8. Brush up on the minds of serial killers

with 

this fun website

that offers "Over 500 serial killers in your pocket!" There is also a link on the home page to something called

Dark Vomit

which I refuse to click.

9. Get a hobby.

You know how you get into something, obsess over it, do it every single day for a month, then never speak of it again? For me these things have included: gardening, making God's Eyes, a raw food diet, sewing, Dubstep, and starting two different book drafts. If you're feeling prone to sleuthing out the person you most want to give a baby, learn something new. Take a cooking class, learn to swim faster, buy a 5000-piece puzzle set, or

learn how to face paint with such detail that you can give someone two sets of eyes

, like this artist did below. That is face paint, not Photoshop.

10. Buy stuff off the TV while tweezing your leg hairs.

Honestly, buying the worst shit ever while doing the worst shit ever is better than what you were thinking of doing. Eat a box of frozen Tacitos in your Slanket during a 48-hour Hoarders bender. Fill your bathtub with Chia Pets and let them grow out. It's a matter of spending your time wisely and avoiding self-imposed torture.

Hope these tips were useful. Now go think up

music video concepts for Po

to make and stay away from Brenda!

xx Aviva

I'm Not Sorry

GUEST BLOGGER: PO

My friend Cary's little brother just moved in with an eccentric gay male musician named Yaku (not Asian but def some sort of European). A few weeks ago she asked him how he was settling in. He told her he was having a fine time of it but the one interesting aspect of his new apartment life was that his roommate was always in his room working on a dance song that just seemed to repeat the lines "I'm not sorry" over and over. 

We all thought this hilarious and kind of blew it off, never imagining that one day "I'm Not Sorry" would grace our hearts, minds, and souls. Yet here it is. W

e love Yaku and hope he gets a record deal. I'm going to make a music video for this so please pitch your music video ideas in the comments and the best one will become immortalized in a YouTube video for eternity, with full credits and all. 

Please enjoy.

Po's Top 20 Real Life Celebrity Stories

Aviva's note: these aren't my celebrity stories. These belong to Po. Enjoy her guest post.

Here are some true stories, facts, and secrets that I have been brain hoarding which carry no credence. I've witnessed or been part of all of these, which is a study in the close proximity of celebrities to regular people who grow up in Manhattan. Always a blessing, never a curse. 

1. Jonah Hill will eat 15+ chilled cocktail shrimp in just a few short minutes.

2. Keanu Reeves will not hold the door for you.

3. Kathryn Bigelow does not wear thongs.

4. Nathan Lane is rude to his driver.

5. Steve Buscemi will kindly deal with you accidentally putting salt in his cappuccino.

6. No one talks to Axl Rose at parties.

7. Jamiroquai once bought a bunch of sneakers at the Adidas store. They were all purple.

8. David Blaine passed out with his mouth open during ‘The Dictator’ after making some nachos disappear.

9. David Blaine can hypnotize you into giving him your phone number.

10. Jim Jarmusch loooooves hoagies.

11. Sean Connery is intolerant of litter.

12. Scarlett Johansen loves Depeche Mode.

13. Lou Reed will demand a cheese plate even if it’s not on the menu.

14.

Lenny Kravitz is really patient.

15. Maxwell likes to order rum drinks from The Rusty Knot and take home the cool Tiki glasses. (Don't worry, he brings them back)

16. Joey Fatone will let you call him Fat One.

17. Dead Prez will not hurt you if  drunkenly throw popcorn at them (I was throwing it in the air, not at y'all. Sorry, Dead Prez)

18. Janet Jackson did coke in the back of an unnamed person's dad’s restaurant. 

19. When heckling a guy walking in front of you on the street and calling hima “Carson Daly mothafucka” make sure before he turns around that he is not, indeed, Carson Daly.

20. The lead singer of 3rd Eye Blind has no shame in hitting on you while wearing Birkenstocks.

Please leave your celebrity stories in the comments

Top 6 Celebrities Who Hate Me

Please enjoy these short stories about celebrities who would rather not go camping with me in the wilderness.



1. Patton Oswalt hates me because I asked him to FedEx a phone charger to me after the 2004 election night party at his house that long story short turned into a 3 week $115. ordeal. 



2. Julian Casablancas once threw me out of his house for drinking his last beer after a looooong night of partying. Or morning, depending on how you judge those things. (He eventually apologized but I recently met some dude who was like "Oh yeeeeerrr Aviva, the chick Julian threw out of his house." Good times!)



3. The guy from Korn with the braids told me I was a dumb slut after I accidentally GOD FORBID sat at his reserved VIP table at some terrible Hollywood club in the nineties. 



4. Danny Masterson insulted me for some reason I don't remember, which turned into a screaming match at a Vegas nightclub VIP area because WHY WAS I AT A VIP AREA IN VEGAS. 





5. Jeremy Piven hates me. But that's okay because I hate him too



6. Natasha Lyonne made aggressive moves on my boyfriend (he was straight up GORGEOUS) that led to us nearly breaking up. I forgot all about it but I told him that if I ever saw her again I would knock her lights out. 6 months later I saw her at a bar named "Happy Ending" in Chinatown and punched her square in the face. She threw her drink at me, I was immediately escorted out of the club (more of a steamy coke dungeon, but whatever), and then walked around scared shitless that A.R.E. Weapons was going to beat me up. They didn't beat me up, the end.



Coming up: Po's Top 20 Celebrity Stories


 







Hello, hi


      
my emo anthem

Sometimes I wish I were a Boring Normy so I could do what is expected of me and find happiness in the lighter realms of existence like everyone else. Instead I'm either inspired or frustrated, often simultaneously. Right now I'm inspired and working fervently on a number of fun projects, some with friends.

If I had 2 kids and no choice but to work I would punch a time clock and shut up about it. However, I'm not tethered to any person, place or thing yet and I'm lucky enough to get paid for my opinions. Soooo... sitting at a desk all day for something I don't believe in feels sort of like dating a Stage 5 Clinger. You know when you're in an editorial meeting and some marketing chick tells you to check TMZ to see what's happening in the "news" and your throat closes up and you start to feel like you're going into anaphylactic shock? Or that feeling you get when you are forced to write about bands that suck so hard James Dyson should name his machines in their honor? UNNGGGHHHH.

Welp, those days are over. I finally started working on building my business up (I consult with brands and businesses on their websites, social media, and editorial content, and my main gig is working for Pharrell Williams which is THE SHIT - I love it). I'm slowly researching subjects for my second book and hopefully someday will travel across the country to complete it. I love collecting beer coozies at gas stations and judging cities based on their thrift stores. The South and the Dakotas are peppered with occasional lot lizards, carnies and assorted Lynchian creatures you'd expect along the darker parts of the road, and there are racists and obese people that I forget exist outside of TV. Beyond the Wal-mart stampedes and misguided religious zealots, America is actually beautiful and full of kind people. Dumb-ass people mostly, but kind nonetheless.

But what I've really been itching to do is take another big trip. Iceland? Costa Rica? The Emerald Isle? Bhutan? We'll see. A trip like that will be my reward for taking care of business first. Right now I'm focused on my work and my next move.

My philosophy is this: do everything you can to be happy, but just remember that in life there are always a couple of turds in the pudding.

Top 10 Visualizations for Getting Over Someone

Photo: Po being a "Do" in Vice's Do's and Don'ts the night I met her

My friend Po used to date my other friend Rich for a brief moment in college. Unfortunately I wasn't around then to enjoy the "Rich and Po" jokes, but I had been hearing about her forever. We finally at Max Fish in 2005. When I walked into the Fish, Po was lying on the floor with a semi-circle of people hovering over her laughing hysterically. 

As we became friends over the years, I learned that Po is good at giving sincere, thoughtful advice when it comes to talking seriously about dudes. Feeling butthurt? Call Po. Need someone to play Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E." on piano at a stuffy party? Call Po. Want a friend who makes videos of herself speed reading to Time Zone just to make her friends laugh? Call Po. Everyone welcome her to Everything is Annoying!

Po's Top 10 Visualization Techniques for Getting Over Someone

Disclaimer: I’ll let you fellas know right now this list has been crafted for the ladies. Creating a list like this for a man would involve different criteria and may be fairly difficult considering almost anything can turn a man on. And to Queers of all genders… enjoy laughing at the Straights.

It happens to us all; we get romantically fixated on people that are not good for us. People who we know are not what we want in the long run. Unfortunately by the time we realize this, the sex is beyond amazing. We've already created our own narrative to make up for the huge red flags that kept smacking us across the face as we were having ridiculous orgasms with a bozo.

I was deep in an unhealthy, long-winded hook up f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Every rational thing I told myself about how shitty it was (he said we should get married on the second date while he was making stains with pretty much every girl on his mattress, which was on the floor, he didn't believe my dog should get surgery that would save her life, his standard dinner was a lonely deli sandwich, and he was in the WORST BAND EVER), I would always find a way back to this person. But I wanted out.

Then one day a friend asked me to imagine him wearing Mary Janes. That’s it. Dressed totally normally otherwise, but with Mary Janes on. You know, walking around, running errands, attempting to have a serious talk with me about how he’s an anarchist. And that’s all it took. I mean, ok, it took a week or so of intense meditative visualization, but once truly committed I never looked back. Because really, who wants to bone a guy wearing a chunk-heeled, mid-nineties era, burgundy leather pair of Mary Janes? 

Now maybe you're into guys in heels, so I’ve listed ten other simple visualizations below to help you get started. I hope these help you shake that triflin good-for-nothing-type-o-brother. Let's get with real men. Men that treat us well, who are considerate of our time, brains and needs. Men that are so phenomenal, you'd let them wear your shoes to your wedding and find it f*cking adorable.

1. BRAIDING HIS PONYTAIL. Just imagine him on the toilet, delicately weaving two braided pigtails to kill time.  

2. HAM ASS. A ham ass is a butt that is wide, sloping, and looks like it's made of ham. It's particularly punishing when its attached to a small penis, but chances are you're not sweating a guy with a small p. Instead, just imagine your dude with a ham ass that moves sideways through doors, shops at the Men's Wearhouse, and chills behind the deli counter. 

3. NEVER NUDE BASKETBALL SHORTS. My friend dated a guy who wore t-shirts during sex and when he got up to go to the bathroom (in his t-shirt tent), he would throw on equally huge basketball shorts. Unless your name is Tobias Funke, being a Never Nude is not funny. You know what else isn't funny? Wearing huge basketball shorts. All the time. Under Everything. Like this guy. (at 2:02)

4. THE HELICOPTER. 

Imagine your dude is angry at you. He's obviously a horrible communicator so all he can do to express his rage is The Helicopter. He just spins round and round with arms outstretched while he looks up to God, shrieking.

5. SQUEALING. While you are in the process of breaking it off with someone you are having great sex with, you may find yourself continuing to relapse with them in the process. If this occurs, just picture him squealing like Olive Oyl when he climaxes.  

6. PENIS REASSIGNMENT. Are you with this guy because his giant penis makes your hoo-hoo sing? Let's wipe that out by imagining him getting genital reconstructive surgery. Boom. Instead of a magical penis, he now has a bandaid, Tom Selleck's mustache, peas n carrots, Kuato, a Beanie Baby, or an empty Crown Royal bag.

7. LOTION. Next time you feel like humping this brah, picture him with a towel wrapped around his head and torso while sitting delicately by the edge of a tub rubbing down his legs like a beautiful, solemn lady.

8. CRYSTURBATING. Unlike some of the other things on this list, your dude has actually done this one. I guarantee it. It is exactly what it sounds like: crying while masturbating. Wet, sad, and gross. 

9. NUDE YOGA. He's tall with big blue yes, successful and well-mannered, and he's really good in bed. And then one day you catch him doing nude yoga, sweating in a downward dog. Frank n beans for dinner. Enjoy.

10. MEOWCH. Bitches who say "MEOW" are the fucking worst. It's a simple-minded attempt at being clever. Every time a girl meows, our gender dies a little death. Now picture one of them with the face of your dude and listen to him purr and meow his way straight out of your heart. 

Bonus: he responds to everything in the affirmative with "Gangnam Style." 

Good luck with your visualizations and if you have a gross idea for this exercise, please let us know in the comments. If we get enough we'll post a follow up - just include your Twitter handle, website, or whatever it is you want us to link to. 

Mike


Dear Mike,

Over the New Year while I was relaxing with my friends in Palm Springs, I was interrupted by a series of notifications that you had left comments on my blog. Each one was flattering or thoughtful, and I really appreciate the time it took you to read through all of my writing, especially since this blog has been on life support for two years.

You left 98 comments on 98 separate blog posts in less than 24 hours. I'd like to know more about this. Can you please tell me more about yourself in the comments? I am all ears, Mike. All ears.

Sincerely,

Aviva Yael

Advice for Your Heartbreak

Hi guys. I think I'm back? I stopped writing because I haven't had anything to say. I spent an embarrassingly long time getting over a good old fashioned breakup. It was a quiet, seemingly healthy break up at first, but the guy cut me off so hard, it turned a potentially easy transition to friendship into a months-long painful experience I hope I don't ever have to deal with again.

We broke up due to some geographical and circumstantial challenges, but those were just his excuses I think. Geography and circumstance had nothing to do with it... the truth is he didn't think it was a fit. And this, my friends, is the first time I've experienced that.

I've had very long relationships and even one long drawn-out breakup, but those breakups were mutual or I've initiated them, and I've remained friends with pretty much all of my exes until our lives truly go in different directions. In short, I've never been "dumped." It's the worst feeling ever. Ever. How do people live through divorce? This shit kills! I'm okay now because it's been awhile, but I really loved him so it hit me hard once I realized it was over-over.

The first step to getting over the rejection was learning to accept that someone I cared about didn't feel the same way about me. And it's okay. It's okay for one person to not like me. Sure I was butthurt over it, but there was nothing I could do. There is nothing anyone can ever do except not let themselves get depressed and learn whatever lessons they can.

I have nothing bad to say about him personally, I just couldn't understand the indifference. It's maddening. But really what's the point of being mad at apathy? Feeling inconsequential is extremely harsh, but it has it's silver linings. It forced me to look at myself, which is a good thing! So here is my advice for anyone going through what I went through last year:

1. RELAX. Don't push love. If a guy likes you he'll make it happen and you don't have to do anything but be yourself. This rule only applies if you are falling in love with him. If you;re not crazy about him then who cares what you do? Hunt him, have sex with him, and kill him for all I care. You're just having fun.

2. KEEP RELAXING. Love is something that is always around and happens unexpectedly and naturally, so just chill. One guy goes and 5 more pop up in his place. Not saying you'll fall in love with them all, but they are everywhere, always.

3. DON'T BE A PUSSY. When someone disappoints you, take all your butthurts and put them into something that makes you feel great. For me it was training for a triathlon, getting into shape, and developing a new healthy lifestyle that I maintain today.

4. CUT THE CORD. Don't try to be the bigger person - get petty and cut off whoever you miss boning the most from your social networks. F*ck that noise. It's a relief for everyone involved.

5. DO NOT CRY. The last time I saw this guy was at a party, when I told him I missed him and started blubbering right there in front of all of our friends. Humiliating! And as we all know, men hate tears.

Hold it in until he is far, far away from you. It's a matter of pride. But then let yourself cry until you feel better. Tears get you all tuckered out and calm so you can go back to shoving your feelings deep inside like we all do. Just remember, it's okay to break a hose now and then, just not in front of the person who rejected you.

6. BE COOL. Don't reach out, just let the person go. Leave them alone. Who cares if they think you're a turd? It's ONE person. Everyone else in your life loves you and thinks you are a bright, shiny, super special turd. Also, you will meet someone else who thinks you are amazing and doesn't understand how that last person ever let you go, and that feels really good.

7. BE GRACIOUS. For me, I'm grateful that I could actually fall in love again and even more grateful I was given an opportunity to improve myself. A cold hard rejection can be the catalyst for becoming a better person. CORNY BUT TRUE.

8. YOU DON'T NEED ANY MORE FRIENDS. I like being friends with my exes because everyone feels better and you can appreciate their best attributes without being disappointed by the weird expectations you imposed upon them in the first place. But when someone hurts you when you didn't do anything to deserve it, do they really deserve your friendship? No. No they do not. Suck it up and take the hit. Eventually you will not care what that person thinks of you.

9. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Once you fall in love with someone who truly adores you, all the other dudes are dust. It's like your past is wiped out. Trust me.

10. BE KIND. Short of someone stalking you, threatening you, or doing something awful like cheating, don't ignore your ex, especially if you've done the dumping. It's cruel and can be devastating. I have done it to men, but I will never do it to anyone again. It's always best to communicate and keep things light and friendly until you lose interest or one of you meet someone else better matched.

I hope this is helpful. It's the best I can do for now. And let me be clear- this really has nothing to do with him. He could be any guy. It's about me dealing with a painful situation. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to this new year. My resolutions are pretty simple: start writing again, do the AIDS ride, and continue to build my business. I don't need this year to be exciting or big - it's just going to be about foundations. But really this is enough about me. I would love to hear what you guys learned this year. What are your resolutions?

And guys, sorry to talk about GIRL FEELINGS, but after this post I promise you won't hear a peep about my personal life again. At least not in a sincere way. It's 100% complaints, jokes and shit talking from here on out, just like old times.

Happy New Year, everyone!


The Internet is My Boyfriend



** originally posted on LMVO.com 

What an exciting summer we've had so far... working out, making out, partying, surfing (aka slobbing out on the sand talking shit about your friends while they're in the water), and all of the other imperative non-work related activities that sunshine and short shorts inspire. Of course if you're like me you're spending most of your days cursing out the sun for cock blocking your visibility on the TV with it's stupid glare. Or perhaps you're stapled to your laptop surfing the internet. Speaking of, let's. Shall we?
Important things that have happened since my last post. In the last couple of months some of our personal heroes died while others came out of the DOY WE ALREADY KNOW closet. This week we celebrated our country's independence by Instagramming photos of those sweet-ass new Bud cans, while the first openly gay hip hop (mostly R&B) artist in history declared his own independence. And now, a little FIBI roundup  (For the Internet, By the Internet):
  • Guys- did you know that "negging" really hot women is the fastest way to drive down their self esteem just enough to make them think you're the only person who can ever love them? Especially with SUPER HARSH negs like:  “Your nose is a little red. You’re like an Eskimo. Cool.” and "Hey, you're a goof." #GOOF. Follow the simple seduction steps provided and everyone wins. The guy gets the hot girl, and the hot girl gets a brown turd.
  • Pharrell Williams' new YouTube show StereoTypes addresses race relations and social issues by asking insane New Yorkers pertinent questions like "Are you a hipster?" and "Did the white man bring homosexuality to Africa?" just to see how people will respond. The latest episode entitled "Embarrassing Music" captures the only human being ever to admit they like Nickelback on camera. Bonus: the host was one of the stars of the Hipster Olympics.
  • These vivid potato portraits by Ginou Choueiri seriously thrill me. Then again, I watch a lot of Bravo so my ability to cull pop culture stories that people might find moving is essentially rendered moot.
  • Gawker did a guide to the God Particle for The Slows (that's us) which will be purposeful at your next pretentious dinner party. It's also genuinely interesting.
  • What are your travel plans this summer? Trip to Paris? A sail through the Greek islands? Backpacking Machu Picchu? Visiting the suicide forest?
  • Sorry about the suicide forest. To end on something light, let's make all 56 of these this summer.
Previously:

The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/15


It’s time for your weekly roundup of SIZZLING HOT GOSSIP. Just kidding I would rather lick Michelle Bachmann’s open eyeballs than report on the lives of celebrities. In case you are new here, “The Internet is My Boyfriend” is a safe space where you can procrastinate the work your boss pays you to do in lieu of catching up on the week’s juiciest science, news, comedy and art tidbits. Occasionally I’ll throw in an obligatory celebrity story to help drive traffic to this website. Jokes! Anyhow, here is what the Internet had to offer this week:
  • If you haven’t seen this brilliant, yet extremely dumb mashup video yet please be my date to the Kristianne Baille party. (We are going to be very tardy – the video is two years old but since I just discovered it yesterday, it is brand new again).
  • Ever wonder what it's like to have God rip your heart open just so angels can sew it back up with tiny rose-scented teddy bears? Then perhaps you should watch this Mariachi band serenade a dancing Beluga whale. Oh mother nature, what a glorious bounty you've given. We shall imbibe ourselves and grow drunk with your gift. A glorious bounty, indeed. 
  • Whenever I’m feeling sad I tune into Rob Delaney’s Twitter feed and let his gross sex jokes wash over me like a gentle breeze. This week Rob charitably rounded up hisbest pick-up lines for Vice Magazine. Now all of you sad-n-single people can get out there and use “I am going to RENOVATE your butt hole” on a hot stranger at the bar tonight. Let me know how it goes!
  • Excuse me Island of the Dolls, but you no longer weave my nightmares. This giant, Australian spider eating a snake while turning it into black acid is now the HBIC.
  •  ”In her Tissue Series, Lisa Nilsson uses finely finely rolled paper to create anatomically correct artwork
  • Dear fellow honkeys: you know that thing where you’re embarrassed to be white because you are eternally associated with Vanilla Ice and everyone that acts like him? What if you feel shame for thinking Vanilla Ice used to be really, really hot? How are we supposed to feel when he helps a 9 year-old white rapper cover “Ice Ice Baby?” #KREAYSHAWNKONFUSION
  • It’s an age old question we all ask ourselves: “Should I Check My Email?” Use this handy flow chart by Wendy MacNaughton to help you find the answer within (Gizmodo via Forbes)
  • Fox LA telling us that Hair Chalking is “the latest rage among teens and twenty-somethings” is worse than when the New York Times did an expose on the death of the trucker hat back in 2003 (I sadly know 5 of the 8 people interviewed in the article). KIDS THESE DAYS.
  • Lastly and obviously, happy 4/20! It’s that day of the year we all watch Friday, order pizza and do lots of THIS. (Ed Note: Dear future employers/mom: I don’t do drugs!)
Smoke ya later dudes.
(I said I don’t do drugs!)

Originally posted on LVMO

The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/8


 
Accurate portrait of the end of my relationship
Hello and hi. It’s nice to be back! I was away last week and have had time to think about some things. I’ve decided that since I spend so much time online I may as well just give in and make this endless portal of information my ACTUAL boyfriend. Like, no more joking around about it. I just ended a relationship with a really kind of amazing dude for reasons that are unreasonably out of our control, so today I shall turn to the Internet to wipe away my tears, hold me a little bit, and tell me everything is going to be okay. And then he will make me laugh and we’ll run off into the sunset together.
Here are some neat-o tidbits that mah boo has shared with me over the last two weeks. Let me know what you think. I mean, I am on the rebound so my judgement might be cloudy.
  • Ever want to know what New York City would look like without people? French artists Lucie & Simon used the same photo filters NASA uses to create ”Silent World,” an apocalyptic series that makes some of our most prolific cities look like a set from “I Am Legend”.
  • Please just make sure that before you go on with the rest of your life that you watch this gorgeous reconstruction of “1st of Da Month” by BONE PUGZ-N-HARMONY. It’s a fucking face melter.
  • This expose on the sad and sketchy lives of the Ku Klux Klan is one of the most depressing and riveting pieces I’ve read since The Atlantic’s story of Shin In Geun, the only known living escapee of a North Korean prison camp who sent his own mother to her death. Gawker’s Hamilton Nolan is prolific in his snark, but he wrote this piece so thoughtfully it’s practically my duty to pass it along. If you have the time, read both pieces if you haven’t already. HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
  • You guys should totally go to Minneapolis where you can sit in a room that is so quietyou can hear your internal organs. So that’s nice.
  • I feel kind of guilty about holding a gun to your heads and making you read about the North Korean Gulag and the KKK, so here is a story that will unharsh your mellow about a Polar Bear who chills with his best friend Mark in their backyard pool.
Hope you enjoy your weekend. See you next week!
Aviva

Master Cleanse Theatre

Hey pals. "Why are you home alone on a Saturday night?" you may ask. It's none of your business, but I'm really really REALLY HIGH** right now so I'll spill it.

I'm on Day 3 of the Master Cleanse and it is making me hallucinate from starvation, exhaustion, and the THRILL OF BEING SKINNY (jokes!). I've done this before and it's always the same: 3-4 days of torture, then 5-10 days of feeling clean, clear-headed, thin, and energized. I mainly do it to kill my cravings and kickstart a diet, but pretty much everyone I know hates it and thinks it's shit. Moving along.

I'm too wiped to go out and I can't drink alcohol or eat, so I'm doing sober/old people activities. Today we went to the museum and Golden Gate park, and tonight we went to a screening of the 1927 silent version of Joan of Arc as the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra played a live score. It was an incredible experience, truly. Not just the epic movie (warning: NOT A RENTAL), but the music itself was perfectly composed. Seems that #OldLyfe activities suit me.

Anyhow, here are two creepy photo-morphing videos of Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga:






** By "high" I mean I'm both light-headed from this cleanse and vibing from the amazing show I just saw.

The Internet Is My Boyfriend: Week 3/25



Welcome back to “The Internet is My Boyfriend.” This is a happy place where I cull the best stories from all of my favorite science, news, art and comedy sites to bring you a moment of delightful procrastination from your job. I'm writing these for LMVO now, but I'll post them here for the regulars. 
This week was so boring in real life, the most exciting thing to happen to me was that my auto-correct changed “dubstep” to “sunstroke” (my iPhone is a 70 year old man, fyi). The glorious internet saved me from my monotony (coffee, run, read news, spend 8 hours looking at Buzzfeed, eat, sleep) and here are the results:
  • A few weeks ago the witty ladies of The Hairpin posted about gross gross period sex. I’m squeamish so I could barely get through it, but someone in the comments referred to getting your cycle as “when the Communists invade my funspace”. And now we all have to steal that. If you aren’t on the pill and spend lots of time making fake babies with gentlemen you should read the entire piece. But if you are a guy, gay or straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THE POSTS OR COMMENTS. Also, guys, why are you reading this post? This is for the laaaaadies. JK! I’m glad you’re here and hopefully want to take me out on a date if my dudefish decides he no longer wants to listen to me sing “I Will Survive” in the shower. What?
  • Timmie Jean was not only a tattooed punk rocker in the 60′s (EDGY!), she was the very first woman to ever receive breast implants fifty years ago. Today she is 80 and she knows she is awesome. She talks about her ( . ) ( . ) in the BBC’s brief history of the boob job.
  • And the “I Personally Believe That US Americans Are Unable To Do So Because Some People Out There In Our Nation Don’t Have Maps And I Believe I That Their Education Such As In South Africa and Iraq” Moronic Statement Award goes to Geraldo Rivera for being awesome at being racist. Thankfully, The Daily Show broke it down.
  • Billions of ants around the world all actually belong to a single global super colony. Here is what you need to know about them:
- Apparently they act like old friends when they meet each other, even if some are from Japan and some are from Argentina
- The ones who live in Europe span 3,700 miles
- This super colony “could rival humans in the scale of its world domination”
- Click here for more ANTS FTW
  • Someone should really write a horror movie about a giant pencil with large teeth who terrorizes kids on the playground and sucks them into an abyss so deep and so dark that their bodies bifurcate 100 million times like matter that passes through Black Holes. Here’s what the trailer would look like.
  • Need to find a good gift? Get your loved one a sweet-ass pet portrait from tiny genius J. Penry.
  • And sending you off on your superfunpartyweekend, here are the Top 10 Tweets from Condescending Willy Wonka.
Tomorrow I'm rounding up the best of (my) Internet for Cultist. Go subscribe!

I spoke to the Internet. His name is Bob.

Remember how I used to do The Daily Tids and people really loved those and just when they started to get going I left them abruptly and broke the Internet's heart (aka no one actually noticed)? Well, I've shucked my wares over to Cultist, where I will be doing a new weekly roundup of my favorite tids. My first post went up and everyone is buzzing about it! Check out some of the blurbs it's getting:

"Finally, someone is forging new territory by curating the best of the Internet in a keen, thoughtful manner." - David Remnick, Editor-In-Chief, The New Yorker

"Aviva's extraordinary recaps of today's core issues help us prioritize our news and determine our values as a society. Without her insight, we wouldn't even know where to begin." - Barack Obama, President of the United States of America

"Aviva is a portal through which the Internet speaks" - God

Read my piece for Cultist HERE.

Let's swap internets


Here are some of my all time favorite videos. I can't force you, but I can beg you to watch these. All of them. I've watched most of these at least a dozen times each and nearly all of them have ended up on this blog at some point.








the greatest date (and beer commercial) ever dreamed, ft that awesome song from Ghost World.


Watch this in it's entirety if you want to have every feeling of your own mortality and the scope of your potential wrapped up into one bone-chilling, inspirational performance. It's absolutely incredible.

How bouts you share your favorite videos with me and I promise I'll watch them. Leave me the links in the comments plzplzplz

Also, I lost my iTunes when my hard drive collapsed (NO IT WASNT BACKED UP I KNOW I KNOW JESUS CHRIST). Hence, I need some really good jams, old and new. We've done this before folks! Let's trade songs on AIM. You can hit me up at teenangster4 and I'll give you what I can. But mostly I need your music because my new iTunes library is an empty sadscape. Help me out dogs!

Here is a love song we can make rad babies to... after you send me your most valuable, top shelf, personally definitive jams:


PS- Remember how I used to do my little news of the day / science corner? Welp, I'm bringing back The Daily Tids. Stay tuned!


xx

Um guys? I have questions. About you. About us.

Oh hey how's your week going? Are you super busy doing stuff? I mean, work is so crazy and you're like so over it and totally ready for the weekend, right? Don't forget to pick up your dry cleaning and call Brenda to remind her about the potluck!

Anyhow, I know you're slammed right now, but I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions about how you've been spending your free time. Judging from the search terms that brought you here, it seems that you and I are in a strange, co-dependent relationship. Like, guys, it's bad. 

Perhaps we should take some time for introspection to reflect upon our prior behavior and ask ourselves who we are and who we really want to become.

 





On the one hand, you guys are gross (please refer to the list of search terms provided below). On the other hand, the gross things you were hunting for on the internet were somehow provided by me, right here on this blog. I mean, I don't THINK I have addressed all the issues that your search terms have commanded, but then again, I've got serious SEO juice on the following (I themed a few things out because if I have to be scared, so do you):

bulimia is so '87
bro you're a god among bros

creepy clown doctor
cool nazi stuff
chinese gay show cock

90's seinfeld fashion
elaine seinfeld fashion
elaine seinfeld socks
elaine seinfeld hair
elaine seinfeld dance
elaine from seinfeld
elaine benes 

homemade goat feet 

i'm going to die 
i'm finally on vacation
i am god's perfect asshole

i want to see sex
i want see sex
i want see make sex

juicy stepmom
jhorts

orgy renaissance faire
orgy in the woods

poopoo and peepee

secrets of the clown

who gives a shit about canada?

what's uncool for teenagers
what's cool for teenagers

hot sex gay naked
sexy carrot
sexy chicken 
sex clown

weenis
tiniest penises
tiniest penis ever
tiniest dick in the world
the world's tiniest penis
world's tiniest dick
world's tiniest penis

smurfs banging
smurf scenes
smurf orgy

and not one fuck
and not a single fuck was given that day
and a single fuck was not given on that day
and 0 fucks were given that day
zero fucks were given that day



christmas party drunks
christmas party drunken santa
christmas is boring!
christmas is boring with my family
christmas is boring when you are alone
christmas families hell
christmas boring
drunken xmas party
drunken xmas bar
drunken santa 
drunken christmas party
drunken christmas parties
drunk women christmas
drunk santa parade
drunk person at christmas
drunk people at christmas party
drunk guy christmas party
drunk guy at the christmas party
drunk german christmas
drunk family
drunk crazy santa party
drunk christmas party karaoke
drunk christmas parade
drunk christmas
my boring christmas day 
my boring christmas
sexy drunk santa
sexy drunk christmas party

This is the first time I've ever looked this deeply into my site's analytics report, and I have learned a lot from it. Mostly that Christmas is really boring and/or sexy, but also that perhaps I shouldn't write about things that will attract weirdo sex freaks to my blog. Yay!




Happy Food Appreciation Day


Hey Y'ALL. Happy Thanksgiving! Since we all know there is nothing to celebrate about this ridiculous day, let's spend it appreciating our time off from work and try to have fun cooking, eating and hanging with our families and friends (or feeding the hungry, if that's how you roll).

Anyhow, every year my cousins Wendy and Tammy have about 50 guests over for Thanksgiving at their house in Atlanta. Here is a picture of me being fat, with Top Chef's Kevin Gillespie, owner of Holeman & Finch. If you're within 30 miles of Buckhead, GO TO THIS RESTAURANT and order as much as you can.

Wendy is a chef and is famous for having the best Arepas in the state, while Tammy is a former event planner (she's now on the Board of The Grammys). Together they prep and cook for a week before their raging food party (along with some help from Aunt Susie and myself). After everyone is stuffed and boozed up, my other cousin David leads a game of Mafia, which has become a Cross family tradition. If you want to try this game, you can read his instructions in Vice HERE.

Here is an exciting photograph of the guests, who are all about to DIE. If you've never played it before, just know that couples fight, liars are born, and you can never trust your loved ones again. It gets ugly. At some point Amber tried to execute an 8 year old child. TRUST NO ONE.



I really look forward to this trip each year, as evidenced below...

First off, this is the famed "10 o'clock burger" from Holeman & Finch. They only make 23 per night and people line up at 8pm for them. It's first come first serve. As a HUGE fan of burgers and a former card-carrying member of Gordon Hull's Burger Club, I can confirm and verify that this is the all-time best hamburger I've ever had in my entire life. Just look at what the sight of it did to David and Wendy:


We watched the chef preparing them and tried to figure out the secrets. One thing Wendy realized is that they don't just use ground beef. There is another meat thing in it. Can't remember what. COOL STORY!

This photo of Tobias Funke, the Arepa Queen of Atlanta, and the 10 o'clock burger is steeped in back-story, which I will tell you next time we're hanging at a bar.


My Aunt Susie. This photo makes me miss my mom, but the good news is I'm heading to New Orleans after this trip to see her. HAI MOM!

I came downstairs into the basement/rec room bathroom and found Amber, Keeli and April (pictured) with an Espresso maker sipping lattes. Okkkeeeeeeyyyyyeeeee.

Paloma eating half her weight in turkey

 Keeli is Amber's best friend and seriously looks like her twin sister. AND they have the same personality. Brain twins.

 Keeli and Russ

 My cousin Juli and her bestie Dee. These two have big giant hearts



 Kevin brought a brussels sprout gratin that I ate 350 times

 Davy Gravy and Pretty Paloma


 The entire Cross/Tamblyn clan at Babette's Cafe

 These are my top shelf cousins Wendy and Tammy. I love these two people with all my lil Veevers heart! 

This is Russ and Bonnie Tamblyn, Amber's incredible, loving, funny parents. Two Thanksgivings ago Bonnie and Russ sang and played songs on guitar. You can listen to Bonnie's hippie mom jams HERE. Also, Russ just got his hand and footprints immortalized at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last week! He'll be in David's next season of The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

Ps- below is Wendy's awesome WOW Food Truck which will be airing on Eat Street pretty soon. Jesus Christ this is the most proactively promotional blog post I've written in a LONG TIME. But it's family yo, I gotta give them all shouts out for doing the things they are good at doing. 


Anyhow, that's enough for now. What was the best thing you ate on Thanksgiving? Gimme the goss!

xo