1. Come in hot. The second your parents’ car is out of sight, immediately scan the scene and suss out the most promising looking group of girls. Glom onto them like your life depends on it (it does).
2. Manipulate your way into the group by ingratiating yourself with the leader; The Tall One, obviously. TIP: Make sure you're the second prettiest one so she lures the cutest wolf pack, couples up with the leader, and you get her primo spill-off.
3. Name your crew. Title is essential, as it will double as an identifier and a dog whistle for cute boys. Try confident names like “All The Single Ladies" or "The Sassy Frasses". IDK, you're 10 years old and Rated G, so pick accordingly.
4. Keep your casting tight. Round out the essentials of your posse with: The Brains, The Beauty, The Funny One, The Garbage One, and The Second Prettiest One aka The Sidekick (this is you, sorry).
5. Scope the scene for hotties. Now that the first day of camp is over and you've established your crew, look for boys with names like Taschen, Beckham, Nader, Dev, Dej or Devonté. They are mysterious and have rich parents.
6. Mark your territory. You want to take a tour of the camp, making notes about which boys you will be hunting down and turning into your summer boyf. You'll have to do some recon on the ones you like, hope that The Tall One doesn't take your top pick, and hunker down on strategy.
7. Have a strategy. A great way to let a boy know you have a crush on him is to shoot a dart into a relatively harmless area of his body. Once your target hits the ground, immediately run to his side and let him know it was a total accident and is there anything you can do and oh gosh you feel so bad. He'll not only recognize your nurturing side, you've created a shared moment of intimacy!
8. Have a backup plan. If you don't have a dart handy, try tripping the boy you like flat on his face as he walks by. Repeat steps in #7. Voila! He's in love.
9. Get to know him. Use this handy questionnaire as an icebreaker:
- Check the one that applies to you: veterinarian or pediatrician?
- Do you want: a) loft in the city b) craftsman just outside of town c) farmhouse upstate
- Vacation home: Venice Beach bungalow or Paris Pied-à-terre
- Pick one: Two Golden Retrievers or four Maltese-Yorkies?
- Yes or No: Boy first, followed by a girl two years later.
10. Have fun! Now that you've got a solid boyf who loves you so much he will never love again, explore the fun and nature of summer camp together, making sure no other female camper so much as lays eyes on him so help you God.
David Bowie passed last night. He was my favorite musician of all time. Maybe Jim Henson's death came close to this feeling (please read his biography if you have the will), but his creations aren't intrinsically part of my life in the way Bowie's music is. Nothing shapes our lives when we are young like music does, not even movies.
Those who grew up on Bowie felt our childhoods precipitate into the heavens tonight. There are just no other artists like him and we can't have true rock stars like him ever again. It was a specific cultural era that allowed him to become so massive. The world desperately needed him at the time; a freak to just show up and make us believe in something bigger, to give us a sense of magic. He constantly metamorphosed, yet remained steadily self-possessed up until his last album. He was elegant and strange, creating endlessly elaborate lyrics and compositions that unified us and made us dream about space travel and the life of a rock star. Today these are memes, but when Ziggy Stardust and Space Oddity arrived, they were nearly unattainable.
Someone asked me what my favorite Bowie song is. I think it's Lady Stardust, but his hottest love song is definitely Moonage Daydream. We all know what a love like that feels like. It's what keeps us on our best behavior.
I listened to Bowie all day at work today, trying not to cry like an unprofessional baby. After work I didn't want to go home, but didn't want to see my friends, so I got in my car where I could be alone and drove up the 1 to the top of Malibu, singing and crying like a spastic emomonster (except when cars got too close). Sometimes you just need to say goodbye to your heroes in your own way. It makes me happy to think of millions of people singing, celebrating, mourning, saying goodbye, sharing stories and listening to his music tonight. I'll always love you, Starman. Thank you for being part of my life xo
Star Wars has not only awakened The Force, but after years of dormancy, it has awakened my need to write about it. Blogging makes me feel like a little ol' granny trying to reach out on Facebook, so please get me on your nerdy Episode VII group texts ASAP.
As a Star Wars lifer, I loved this film. Not because it was better than the original trilogy, but because it brought me back to it. This is an important feeling for early fans who lost their passion for the legacy after The Phantom Menace. The storyline was simplistic and there were some hokey moments, but I appreciate how this film echoed it's own roots. Some of my friends have complained about the script being lazy, but George Lucas went so off plot through four convoluted and poorly cast films, it's relieving to see JJ Abrams take control and get the franchise back on track. I respect and worship George Lucas, but once Jar Jar Binks hit the screen, the world realized he was in over his head. Jar Jar holds steady as the all-time worst character in film history, although Mad Max's Guitar Flamethrower dude is definitely sizzling on the scene (sidenote: everyone involved in the creation of that character should be forced to attend a job fair to find a new career path). ANYHOW!
My thoughts on The Force Awakens (SPOILERS):
FINN - I was happy to see a black lead character and I'm curious about his future, but unfortunately I didn't feel connected to Finn at all. He was a wee tad too puppy-like for my taste. However, I anticipated him replacing Luke Skywalker, so preemptively overhyping his role is the primary reason for my disappointment. Nonetheless, I can't help but anticipate him somehow replacing Han Solo in the next film, so I'll just be over here gearing up for another let down.
THE BAR SCENE - I wish the filmmakers had spent more time in the bar on Jakku. It made me really miss Mos Eisley and Tatooine. The locals at Ergel's bar (the featured tavern in Cratertown) should have had one more minute of screen time. Not just for extra chuckles, but to showcase the innovation of Industrial Light & Magic's creature department. However, there was an Easter Egg for us Mos Eisley groupies, including a cameo of the original jazz band, Figran D'an & The Modal Nodes from Episode IV: in A New Hope.
MAZ KANATA - I know this is extremely shallow because Lupita N'yongo is an astute actress and role model, but why did JJ Abrams waste her gorgeousness on an ET-looking-ass barkeep who - no big deal - has Luke Motherfucking Skywalker's light saber laying around in an unlocked box? That's like leaving the One Ring in a file cabinet in the manager's office at a Dave & Busters. IT'S PRECIOUS, Y'ALL. Also, Maz is just an off-brand Yoda the way Jakku is an off-brand Tatooine. On a lighter note, I appreciated the diversity of this film. They were able to create a range of backgrounds for characters without making it a racist shitshow (coughcough The Phantom Menace).
STARKILLER BASE - Creating a new Death Star seemed redundant, but I did love the Nazi scenery of the First Order's militia. I keep forgetting to ask more knowledgable pals about the necessity of an ice planet, so please weigh in!
REY - Daisy Ridley, the actress who played Rey, was strong all around. Her character had a nice mix of Leia's courage, Luke's sensitivity, and Han's snark, but she was an intelligent warrior with her own style. I found her pretty compelling as a female protagonist and I think she will carry the series, no sweat. Can't wait to see her in the next chapter.
FASHION - The wardrobe was insahhhnely good. I'd wear almost anything seen on screen, male or female, Finn's leathers in particular. Here's a good interview about the costume designer's thought process when creating the wardrobe. Aside from dressing General Leia as someone's aunt who breeds Golden Retrievers in Maine, I felt the film was respectful of the legacy of Star Wars fashion.
THE LIGHTSABER - I found Kylo Ren's two sided saber superfluous and off-putting. The lightsaber is a sacred icon that should not be altered. However, Kylo's silken mane really transformed dorky Adam Driver into a smoldering pony, amirite?
POE DAMARIN - After watching Ex-Machina, I simultaneously added Oscar Isaac into both my Greatest Actors and Would Definitely F lists. However, he has surpassed all canon and moved into a very important role formerly occupied by Jason Mantzoukas and James MacAvoy: Poe Damarin is officially my TOP DUDEFISH. This means I will think about him at inappropriate times. Hope I meet him at a dinner party and he wifes me. Will keep you posted x
It's been awhile since I've written anything here and I'm feeling kind of rusty. I used to love this thing and couldn't wait to come home from work and write, but now it seems pointless. There are a few reasons why:
1) I don't have much free time to write due to working for an extremely busy person.
2) I love my job so much I'm kind of obsessed with it and don't really want to distract myself. This blog could potentially be a huge time burglar.
3) I no longer live in New York City during the ever-burgeoning artistic era of Lower East Side creativity that has since been completely annihilated by yada yada rich assholes yada gentrification yada.... I live an ideal life out here in boring old Los Angeles, which I'm grateful for, but it's not exactly the most inspiring city. It's no pre-9/11 Manhattan.
4) I'm happy and I can't write when I'm happy. I don't know why this is true, all I know is that whenever things are rough I am better at articulating myself.
5) No one blogs anymore. Blogging is for people in their 20's who are defining themselves, or people in their 50's who are reinventing themselves. That said, I'm definitely going to have an old lady blog someday, mostly about my all-female ragtime band, Pickleback.
Anyhow. Here is the last reason I'm not writing here anymore:**
6) I'm turning this blog into a podcast! I'm really excited about it. Stay tuned for Everything Is Annoying.
** I'm definitely going to continue writing here. To skip the reading and go straight to my daily complaints, follow me on Twitter. I love Twitter.
Mom: (Gasp) "They're building a modern extravaganza!"
Mom: "Oh honey he's what they call a doper."
Mom: "Because I'm a junkie"
"Oh please, he's so full of shit I don't know how he can walk"
"He's kind as can be, but ugly as sin"
"Maybe it's time you start looking into freezing your eggs"
What's your favorite mom quote?
Been awhile! I haven't had much to say in long form, but if you want to know what I'm up to these days, my boos Twitter and Instagram got all you need. In the meantime, here is a short piece I directed for Pharrell's i am OTHER channel for our HYPEBEAST series about one of my favorite spots in LA, Freak City. I love the owners Justin Time and Vally Girl, and am happy to be able to tell my friends exactly WHAT Freak City is with just a link. Enjoy!
Thank you my crew Erik Lang, Jacqueline Di Milia, Bethany Gould, Gabriel Stanley, and Basak Alemdag.
Please enjoy this podcast in which Amanda Savage interviews me about
burning topics like:
- why I'm obsessed with Tinder
- the age old debate: WASPs vs. JAPs
- my most embarrassing story ever.
Click the link below to download the iTunes podcast:
This old photo of me saluting like a Corporal Asshole is part of my most embarrassing story. Listen to the podcast to find out more.
I also share some tips on social networking, which eBay posted on The Inside Source:
This is a repost of my favorite bad date story, originally posted 7/7/11
This song will never die. I'll be an old lady rocking back and forth in my rocking chair on the front porch (I live in the South somewhere?) and I'll tell my son to "crank this shit up." Probably more likely I'll be soothing my teeth between prolonged sips from a Bourbon lemonade, swirling regrets and theophanies into the thick root of a lowball. Sorry I said "theophanies." Just trying it out. Whaddya think? It's probably the worst, but I'm listless these days. Using new words is about as edgy as I get. I'm still waiting for the right moment to casually drop "excoriate" without losing friends.
One time I went on a date with a guy who lived, ate and drank on the Upper East Side. We'll just call him "Harvard Sweatshirt." A snowstorm hit and neither of us wanted to walk three long avenues to the train, so we went back to his immaculate, book-laden apartment. I pulled a copy of "Pockets Full of Chomsky" from his shelf and told him how I'd gifted the series to someone that very morning. His sweatshirt then asked me to "translate complex passages" chosen by him into what I think they mean in layman's terms. You know, because I was a fucking idiot who went to UCLA and couldn't possibly grasp or dissect Chomsky's philosophy.
The degradation sobered me up instantly. I was being hazed. Apparently my ability to break down the assigned excerpts into tiny little pieces at 2am and still look pretty must have been all that he was looking for, for that night anyhow, because suddenly I was "this" and "that" and "more things you want to hear from someone who you're attracted to."
It was freezing, there was a blizzard outside, and the trains were running on holiday service, but I walked three long avenues, transferred trains, and followed the East River home til I could get back to my bed in Williamsburg by 5am.
I don't have that kind of pride anymore.
I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:
- Cleaning (I'm legitimately into
- Coming up with brain-altering hashtags for my Instagram photos
Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season.
Scott, known for his
has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la
, with re-re-re-hashed
patent-leather-zippered throwbacks, but that sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:
Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C
This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but...
IT'S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING THAT JEREMY SCOTT IS A BRILLIANT, INNOVATIVE FASHION DESIGNER.
I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties, but w
e don't need to live in fear anymore!
PLEASE STOP BEING AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT
There are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a
-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and fashion people just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.
Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the S/S12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of
. I was so moved
. Here, I put together a Quick View of my three favorite looks:
Spring/Summer '12 - Those assless chaps shorts are sizzling on the scene
I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but
I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his
offset the cost of production on his line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side,
he has a
and it doesn't look like he
I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.
UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST:
As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The
just referenced Mars Attacks and says "
this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set."
Really? Is it?
I just got back from the AIDS/Lifecycle ride this weekend and I wanted to let you know it was the experience of a lifetime. I am totally inspired and feel different about my priorities, particularly in regards to helping other people. It was mentally, physically and even spiritually challenging but it was a very special week. Sorry if that sounds corny as hell, but it's true. I just wanted to thank you for being part of this and helping me raise enough money to have this opportunity.
This year the ALC broke it's record: 2,200 riders fundraised $14.2 MILLION to help AIDS research and to help rehabilitate people living with HIV and AIDS. Babies, families, and elderly folks included. People who have no health insurance because they either can't afford it or have lost their jobs and even homes because they became sick and ran out of money are being saved by your donations. I know because I was riding next to many of them. It is an incredibly rewarding experience to meet the very people who are benefitting from your cause. They thank you and I thank you. It's important you know exactly where the money you gave to the ALC went, and you should be proud of yourself for making a difference in these people's lives.
I hope you enjoyed my Instagram photos (it was hard to find power for my cell to post a lot of photos, but I'll be posting more this week). Thank you again - you've been great friends to me!
If you ever consider doing the ride yourself next year please let me know. It's fully achievable, trust me!
Thanks to you I've successfully raised the $3000. I needed to be able to participate in the
550-mile AIDS Ride
on June 2nd! I'm so excited, grateful, and personally moved by the amount of support and effort you guys have put into helping me make this long-time goal happen.
If you would still like to support me but couldn't donate before I met my goal, you can donate to a separate PayPal fundraiser I've set up, which will go directly toward next year's fund by clicking this:
Please click that Paypal button in the upper right corner of this here blog. There is also an article entitled "
" right after this post for you to read as an added bonus (or loss, depending on your favorite penis size).
Thank you so much guys and sorry for the campaigning but it really does mean a lot!
Hello friends and family-
TWO MORE WEEKS TO GO!!!
I want to thank all of you who have generously donated to my AIDS Ride fundraiser. I am only $500. from my goal now and completely on track to meet the $3000. mark within the next two weeks thanks to you!
As difficult as it has been to raise this money, I have to say that being this close has motivated me both physically and mentally. Thank you for encouraging me and keeping me on track. If you haven't already donated please click the link below for my fundraising page and updates:
I also want to let you know that I am dedicating my ride to my stepmom Anne who did this ride on her 50th birthday after the passing of her daughter and my sister Natacha. I can't wait to do this ride and make your kindness, your donations, and your moral support pay off. Thank you guys!
gear, and equipment are high and not included in the fundraising, and my training hasn't been good enough until
recently. After seeing an outpouring of donations and friends offering to donate art, clothes and other things to help
me hold a fundraising party, I feel inspired again and I would do this ride alone no matter what. Camping with
thousands of strangers from all over the world even though I hate camping? NO PROBLEM. Being out of my
physical and mental element? NO PROBLEM. Worrying about taking a week off from my regular job and clients?
OKAY SLIGHT PROBLEM because I don't like taking time off. But it's all going to be worth it once I'm on that
beautiful ride with all those goal-driven people.
so if you haven't donated yet drop a few bucks on my page and join me on my journey! As a preliminary thank you,
here is a cute cute cute cute cute cute cute CUTE thank you gerbil-hamster (what is it?):
Rich Awn (see you on the ride Rich!)
Suzy and Coady Willis (who gave me $69.69 because they are perverts!)
Ann Heche and the Heche Family
Jeremy & Danika Sirota
Sarah Soquel Morhaim
I love you guys. Thank you SO MUCH!
I've immortalized my friends. Biggest ballers in the game