How To Speak Aviva


If you want to be in my inner circle of trust, you must understand these terms:

Aviva's favorite non-chalant term for an answer to anything: "Could be"
(I inherited this from my first surfer boyfriend in high school)

Pal: "So, do you like Dan Schaffer? Babe, right?"
You: "Could be"

Pal: "Oh my god, did you make out with my boyfriend last night bitch?"
You: "Could be"

Pal: "I totally partied at Paris Hilton's house last night she's my best friend whatever"
You: "Could be, Barney"

Or how about this dude I dated in LA who told me he was getting paid $5000. per mini-episode to shoot 5 minute spots for XLR8R magazine online? I was like "COULD BE, guy. Could buh barney barnacle barnyard"

You can also use it to describe someone who is spazzing out in front of you. For example, some guy at A-Ron's St. Marks Church Benefit party showed up wearing sunglasses at night, a ravey-looking hat, and fake crutches, rolling around on a skateboard. Tasha and I were staring at this kid and I was like "Um, A COULDA BE."

Lesson one in checkmate. Use these expressions to prevent comebacks:

(to a guy) "You're BATS." Trust me, he'll be stunned.

(to a girl) "You're a dick." Calling a female a dick may induce face-slapping, but its SO funny.

Or you can just blow in someone's face relatively hard while they are talking. I use this on time burglars.

"Time Burglar" - n. (time berg-ler) Someone who yaps your ear off at a place of social gathering. Someone who wastes large portions of your life. "That fucking time burglar just cornered me at the bathrooms for 20 minutes about his lame job at American Apparel." Pretty much every ex-girlfriend or boyfriend you've ever had is a Time Burglar.

"Social Vampire" - n. (so-shul vam-pir) A person with no true identity of their own who clings onto others' success, then tries to incorporate himself into their lives to claim a sense of kinship. A phony, a poseur, someone whose entire life revolves around trying to be "down." A malleable chameleon.

"Rapey" - adj. (rape-eee) A creep, a slimy dude. "Ugh, that guy is so rapey."

"Cringey" - v. (krin-jee) A feeling of disgust or repulsion. Someone or something that makes you feel vomitous. "How cringey is that art chick who tries to be all dark and gloomy? When I saw her at the opening I was like 'Easy, Donny Darko, you're boring-slash-creepy."

"Oof." - int. (oof) An expression of aversion, horror, or the like. "Oof. I just drunk dialed my ex." Also used as "Whoopths" or "Doh!" in regards to human error or thoughtless miscalculation. "I didn't realize that the NWA thing in the park was actually the National Women's Affirmations poetry festival. Oof."

"Awk" - adj. (auk) Short for awkward. Cringey. "The dealbreaker was when he started grazing the snack bins at Whole Foods infront of my ex-boyfriend who was staring at us. Totally awk."

"AWSS!" - adj. (auss) Short for awesome, obvy. Except you have to say it like a guy. "Wait... you partied with Dwight Shrute last night? That's awss."

"Goss" - v. (gauss) Short for Gossip. "So what'd he do after he stopped crying? Gimmie the goss."

"Barney" - n. (bahr-nee) Pretty much everyone is a Barney. "Easy, Barney."

"Bayhashing" - v. (bay-hash-ing) When you drink someone's ashy beer. Swigging a cigarette, usually followedd by vomit or dry heaving. "Justin totally bayhashed that beer. Why is that dude always Barneying at house parties?"

"Sanjeefing" - v. (san-jeef-ing) When someone walks you into a wall while walking next to them on the street. They usually don't know its happening. Named after some dude whose last name is Sanjeef that lives in AZ. "Hey quit Sanjeefing me Barney!"

"Boner" - n. (boh-ner) A poseur, a social climber, a name dropper. "That streetmag dude is such a boner."

"Kook" - adj. (kook) Skank, drunk slut, loser girl. "Brenda's SUCH a kook. She tried to take Dawn's boyfriend Marty home last night after we left Jamaican Me Crazy's."**

"Goob" - adj. (slang, short for Goober) A spazz, someone who is in need of lots of public attention. "Oh my god Sharie was dancing on the bar at The Coozie Cove** last night. What a goob."

**Wait... can someone PLEASE open a bar in NY with this name please?