Lonely Jewish girl, 20, blames weight for her depression


That is the description of the Grand Theft Auto character I'm cast as for voice-over on the next game. Oh, the irony!

They totally type-cast me again! Last time I did voice-over I was the "shop girl" in Grand Theft San Andreas, while simultaneously working as head "shop girl" in real life (running a bunch of stores). That year on Thanksgiving my cousin was playing San Andreas in front of my family and he actually tried to kill me. The game wouldn't let me die, but my character was screaming "You can't steal that sir! I'm going to call the cops!" while he's beating the hell out of me. They were pissing themselves laughing. Meanwhile I was fuming that my character was getting the smack down. Btw he was also cast as the nerdy paranoid tech guy who was bald with glasses and cargo shorts. This is extra funny to you if you know him because that is exactly what he looks like in real life.

I was also a Lizzie in The Warriors. I played a lesbian gang leader, which I'm often mistaken for. I got to say the coolest line in the whole game:

"NO DICE, LITTLE MAN. NO DICE"

Me and my gang bitches got beat up by the cops. I got to call them 70's names like "fuzz" "pigs" "flatfoot" and "copper." That was awesome, but you know what wasn't awesome? When I had to pretend I was getting beat up and cuffed by invisible arms. Infront of a soundteam. And a director. Who were cracking up behind the glass in the soundroom while I fake hit myself. Kiiinda awk. I kept laughing so they had to re-tape it like 6 times.

Anyhow guess what!? I got the job as a ghost writer for a celebrity!!! Fun much? When I went in for my second interview I sat in a giant glass office with massively high ceilings surrounded by furniture, artwork and electronics that I'll never be able to afford in my lifetime while three people asked me questions about myself. I haven't interviewed since I worked for (the amazing) Diane von Furstenberg in 2001. Interviewing is about as cringey as going on a first date with someone you aren't that into. Blech. I never want to be interviewed again.

Anyhoo, I got it and I start next week. Yay job!

I'M GHOST-WRITIN' THE BLOG NIGZ!
Ghost write it like that
Ghost write it like that
Ghost write it like that

Corny rap by Aviva Yael

PS- I'm not depressed, but I do blame my weight for everything that goes wrong in your life.