Things my friends say

"The moist panties are festering in a damp, clammy hamper" - most disgusting sentence in the English language brought to you by Carrie Imbermann, Justin Gallaher and myself.

Honorable mention: "This ointment smells like warm oysters"

"I got squared in the pussy" Megan, referring to the Williamsburg Bridge pothole situation while bike-riding (ew)


"I have to shit so bad I'm gonna puke" -Wade, in the tour van

(At TGIFs) "Blech, what'd they steam this broccoli with, dog breathe?" -Nick

Nick, looking at my (extremely cute!!!) baby pictures on MySpace:

- Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser and they were an adorable baby. But baby we can’t shine all the time. Now send that pic back to Count Nosferatu's Website of Nature’s Curiosities and Shameful Secrets.
- Look at that thing for Christ’s sake... that kid would make PT Barnum puke.
- You look like your parents boiled you by accident and then propped you up on the couch so the neighbors wouldn’t get suspicious.
- You look like something the cat dug out of the dumpster and dragged home then the kids beg to keep you and you end up murdering the entire family b/c as it turns out you’re satans’ goblin child.


"I love this station... they really play the hits of today"

Donny was completely non-challant btw and kept talking. Meanwhile I'm pissing myself laughing. Hits of today? Um, ookkeeyyy dad. Donny probably also enjoys YYY's "concerts" at the Bowery, he loves how "hip" the kids are dressing on that site and he thinks that American Apparel is really rude. He probably doesn't understand what all the hullabaloo about neon is, because he was wearing it in the 80's. Back then neon was for surfers and skaters, not all these little rush-sniffing hooligans with their foppy haircuts and dance music. Music today isn't music, its a bunch of computers. When I was a kid...


"We're gonna do so much TGIFing!"

(IM convo)
J: man there's this multi-generational gaggle of women outside my door from infants to grandmas gabbing it up about pregnancy... those chicks need to bail"
ME: just go out there and be like "Why don't you take your cackling henfest and move it into the kitchen where you belong?" or how about "Why don't you plug up some of those pieholes you cows"
J: maaan that would land me in diversity training at corporate...

"Let's make a line of baby tees that say things like "Fuck you Premies! Good Luck!"

"Which would you rather: be attacked by a nest of flying scorps or a dog with a scorpion tail?"

"How about these reparations? I have a white slave from Connecticut" - Derrick Beckles, "The Black Guy" from Vice TV talking about his intern.

Me: "I have to call in sick to work today. What should I say?"
DC: "Tell them you got raped"
Me: "But what about when I show up the next day?"
DC: "Tell them you walked it off"

"Me Chinese, me make joke, me make pee pee in your Coke" - Daniel, my Chinese friend. Sorry, but its funny.

"Just tell everyone 'I f--ked that band so long ago my immune system already conquered the STD they had'" - Gavin McInnes, on what girls should say to guys who call them groupies

More on the way boys!