Oh internet, you little liar you!

Look what my stepmom and little cousins found when they Googled me. Inappropriate no? Geez, thanks out-of-control web of the world. Not only did they find this little gem, but they read the caption underneath it which was a joke, written by my employers at Vice, stating that the man with the miniscule mushroom of a weenis was my 58 yr old boyfriend whom I was going to go open a t-shirt shop with on some nudist colony. Sweet!

The coolest part of the story is that they found this picture last year and never mentioned it. So all this time they've been thinking I'm some weird swinger and I guess they decided they would love me no matter what. I'm sorry parents, but there is a time and a place to confront your children and ask them what in the hell they are doing with their lives. This would have been a great opportunity to exercise some parenting skills.

So since my entire family and probably some of my enemies and at least one known stalker are reading this, I would like to tell you the real story, which is simple.

Almost three years ago I went to St. Martin with Sarah Egan, Gavin and Emily McInnes, Trevor Silmser and his now wife Stacey Napolean, Shonali Bhowmik, Carrie Imbermann and my cousins Wendy, Tammy and David. We rented a house on the French side away from everyone and spent all our days at the beach. We ate stuffed Christophine, grilled lobsters and conch sausages the whole time and had dance parties every night, which we referred to as Mansion Dancin' due to the enormous size of our villa. To date it was one of most fun vacations I've ever had. We went the next year again and Jay Johnston came, who I will probably introduce you to in my next post.

Anyhow, we're all on the beach one day and this naked bald man with the world's smallest penis casually strolls by. As you may know, Gavin has been doing the Do's and Don'ts for Vice for 13 years. There was no way that we could pass up this photo opp. That being the case, I ran as fast as I could (a good 20 yards) to catch up with our target and asked him for a picture. As soon as I signaled my pals with a thumbs up, a mini photo shoot ensued, as a few nearby tourists jumped in on the action. Yes, of course it was absolutely disgusting for me, but worth every second.

I didn't see a fanny pack on him but somehow he produced a business card. Who's to say where it came from, but let's assume it had something to do with his miraculous nether region. You know how homely girls often have great personalities? Welp,  maybe people who suffer from teensy, tiny peanut genitalia are in fact, the most well-rounded folk. As it turned out he is basically the coolest person alive. Seriously, he was so chill it was as if he was fully clothed and we were in a bar and all 11 of us weren't staring profusely at his reproductive area. Trevor bro'd down with him so hard I thought he was going to invite him to come bonfire with us that night. Moments after his departure Gavin vomited and then we all went about our beach business. This has since become a classic tale.

Here's the business card he gave us:

Turns out he was from the same tiny town as Trevor

Wars Fought...Septic Systems Overflowed...Computers Infected...Governments Overthrown...Parties Crashed...Nudes Photographed...Man Haters Created...Orgies Organized...Alligators Castrated...Geeks Terrorized...Wheelchairs Tipped...Fortunes Squandered

Just want to mention here that Gavin officially left Vice and merged with Derrick Beckles from TV Carnage to make the HILARIOUS new website Street Carnage which I'll be contributing to. Not to sound like a femi-nazi but I like that most of the contributors are womyn. Also, Lesley Arfin is also a contributor. You guys should buy her book Dear Diary whether you have a vagina or not. It's really harsh and fun to read and you'll blast through it addictively in, like, half a day.