UK twins marry, bone, divorce. Ew!

That is ultra tragic.

So hi I'm in California visiting fam and friends. I thought it would be a cold New York winter, but thanks to the Inconvenient Truth its warmer there than it is here in Sunny California. 61 degrees when I left JFK. Anyhow, I've been all excited about my first snowboarding trip of the season that was supposed to take place this weekend with my special person but the day before set departure date my dad busted out with COURSTSIDE TICKETS TO THE WARRIORS GAME on Sunday. I can't do both, so I dropped the extremely fun trip to the mountains to instead hang with my amazingly amazing dad. Isn't that so big baby of me?

Its mighty gorgeous round these parts this time o' year folks. Hopefully I'll go up next weekend or at least take a coastal trip to the California/Oregon border. I love it up there. There's even a hokey place with a 50 ft Paul Bunyan statue called The Trees of Mystery. You must go!

Last New Years I took that very trip up to Mt Hood, Oregon to go snowboarding with this guy I was dating from NY who had recently moved to LA. One of the funnest road trips in Veevers history. Well, I want to tell you about this guy because he makes a perfect segway into this rant I have about LA (I'm headed there soon), but I don't want to sound like a gossipy bitch. Soooo.... I guess I'll just talk about how pretty the coastline near Klamath Falls is.......hmmmmm.... yup....(whistles). Sooo anyhow (looking around) anyhow IguessI'mjustagossipybitch. Okay, SO!

This guy I was dating turned out to be a weird social climber. I didn't catch on at first but it became obvious when he started asking me for so many favors that it gave me the creeps. I guess I was 'connected' to people that he needed to be connected to. If he only knew that I'm the worst person to climb, socially. I mean, I'm a total shut-in most of the time and I prefer to stay home and watch movies and read books rather than go to bars and dress up. And don't you need to be a social butterfly to be a good social climber? Plus, if you want to get some networking out of me, then don't date me and ask if I can set up photo shoots for you of my friends/fam so you can sell them to magazines. I know, ew, blah blah blah happens every day.

Well I liked him and thats all you need to know. And the other part you need to know is that he basically dumped me and I'd never been dumped! I mean, he wasn't like "I don't like you get away from me" but essentially he went to New York and boned some DJ chick while I was innocently baking him a wedding cake at his house in LA. Whah? SO kidding we never even got that deep. This was a short deal, just a couple of months.

The worst part of all of this is that he was of portly stature. WAIT... I don't mean that his being portly was the worst part. What I mean to say is that in the past I've had a problem with dating incredibly hot, difficult, everybody-wants-them types and it always ends up with me breaking up with them because, well, its exhausting having boyfriends like that. People pulling at them all the time. I'm much calmer now and I like normal, low-key dudes these days, but seeking the 10-factor has been a problem for me in the past. Even my parents complained about it and begged me to start dating ugly nerds.

As you can imagine they were surprised when I brought someone home who was nice and normal (cough cough) and presented himself to me as a wondrous, creative talent who was loved by all. I liked him for his alleged wondrous talent and the alleged respect that he had earned in the art/fashion world by his creative community. I'll skip the details but as it turned out that was NOT the case and in fact I started catching him in weird and seemingly endless exaggerations (which are fancy, slightly harmless lies) about who he is/was. It was so queer. To put it simply, he was basically exiled from New York and can't really move back if he wanted to. This is why he now resides in LA where I think things are much better for him. Sometimes people need a break from their past. Point is the dude didn't want me to be his GF. Yep. I got dumped by a fat guy.

Follow up to this embarrassing story is that I'm fine. Surprise! I've heard from him since but haven't responded, duh. What am I desps? I don't understand how people let other people crap on them, then allow a follow-up. It stinks when that happens oh well who cares move on. We've all done it to other people and they've lived. So all that was a setup for my one and only real complaint about LA. The only reason I care is because I wouldn't mind living there someday again. Segway done... Okay, SO!

First let me state that I looooove LA. I absolutely love it. I love the cuisine, the laid back lifestyle, the health food stores everywhere, the beach, the sun, the Hollywood Hills, the thrifting, the shitty bars Downtown and the architecture. But I have a serious problem with it because it seems to me that with all of these great things to offer, that its inhabitants would have a little bit of patriotism about it. A little pride and some basic standards about living there that would maintain a decent social standard and therefore a better quality of life.

Here's what I mean. Its not a surprise to find ex-New Yorkers 'rebuilding' their lives and careers out West. There are tons of casualties hiding out in LA because for some reason Angelenos sit there waiting to give group hugs to failed New Yorkers. Its not even challenging. Its like they hear you're from New York and you're automatically on a pedestal. Do you guys know how many douchebags move to LA because its easier? Easier is the path of least resistance and everyone knows that if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere. So why be so forgiving? Don't you believe in Darwinism?

Los Angeles has so much to offer and is starting to try to be important art and fashion wise (even though these incarnations have so far centered around street art and street fashion with a dash of Miranda July preciousness).

Stop taking it so fucking easy and make people EARN your respect as a city. THAT'S why New Yorkers flex their superiority complexes. If you guys weren't so into 'going with the flow' and made life a little more demanding, then you'd have our WINNERS moving out there in droves, not our exhausted leftovers. 90% of ex-New Yorkers get off the plane at LAX waiving a white flag and you guys give them oxygen water and help them acquiesce. Is there anything more depressing than being an enabler of mediocrity?

Look, I have amazing friends out there who I love, and they all have families or awesome jobs or nice homes and great lives. Not one of them complains to me about living in LA. They love it. However, they are not ex-New Yorkers. And that's my point. They don't know what its like to race to the top and realize you didn't make it.

To LA's credit, we're jealous that they have the ocean and cheap organic food but that's about it. We don't want the midriffs, orange chicks, or glistening pectoral muscles. Those things are SUPER unsexy. And I'm not making the cliched argument that New York is better, I'm just saying that LA peeps have no reason to make it so easy for us. Don't undersell yourselves. Remember, we don't have an abundance of cheap vintage surf gear and Cross Colors floating around the Rose Bowl flea market like you do. We would KILL for that stuff.

OH! Speaking of which here's a note on your style. First off, your 'hipsters' all look like Urban Outfitters drones. You're in an army of overly accessorized uniformity. Thats not fashionable. Second, you guys can drop the Palestinian scarves, all-over printed baseball caps/tees, red flannel shirts, 80s glasses, neon everything, and Nike dunks now. You look like shitty, raved out versions of Tino from Max Fish 4 years ago. Just wanted to let you know that our boys out here are starting to dress up. I'm seeing vests and bow-ties (yes bow-ties) on the fashion gays, and the straights are rocking pinstriped shirts either rolled up with vests and vintage rude boy hats, or tucked in with v-necks and ties, all preppy-like. Argyle sweater vests and dark-dark jeans with 1940's dress shoes are making a comeback, but everything has a nice British sensibility about it, like the late 70s preppy-meets-punk neatnik style. Subtle, unflashy, and clean. I dunno, just try it. Head over to Opening Ceremony and APC and try dressing up a bit. NO ONE wears that clubby party shit out here like you do. Not even the disgustingly tattooed Last Nights Party bathroom floor victims.

Look, I really do love LA and I can't wait to get down there, but I would respect it a lot more as a culture and would even love to live there if I thought it would be challenging. I'm just asking you to step up your game. Don't let assholes like me have such an easy time. Give me a reason to sweat you. And start with your clothes, since I can see those first.

AND the end.