Warning: extremely vomitous material

Holy fucking shit Aviva you look like hell What's wrong with you? Are you okay? You look... depleted, exhausted. Babe don't cry, you're scaring me. Why so glum?

What's that? Your eyes hurt? You're no longer capable of child-bearing? Oh no that's horrible! What the eff happened? Its okay you can tell me. But first wait.. you have something on your face. Is that... is that a pube? Oh my god its grey! Oh sweetie you're a wreck how'd that get there?

Harbin Hot Springs!?

Oh, you went to that natural hot spring that runs mineral water directly from a beautiful mountainside in Calistoga into a relaxing outdoor pool under the stars, in the middle of the woods, with lovely accommodations and macrobiotic cooking on site? That sounds just lovely!

Well what didn't you like abou- ooooohhh. Like as in everyone was nude? Co-ed locker room. Oof. You saw a fat guy wearing what? Babe please stop shuddering, its been a week. Now just take a deep breathe and tell me what you saw. Okay. Theeerrrre you go. That's it. Now tell me what he was wearing. Okay okay okay, just calm down. Now are you sure that's what you saw? Leather Ugg boots and a red leopard printed sari. Oh. My. God. I'm sooo sorry. Its okay sweetie, I'm right here. Hold onto me. Just breathe...

So what made you decide to go to that place? Now why would he take you away for a romantic weekend to relax to a place like that? He knows how much you hate hippies, right? OF COURSE you're not spiritual, I know that dear. Well next time don't be such a good sport. How could you relax with all those grey vaginas and 43 year old dreadlocks all around you? Oh babe I can't imagine. GROUP HUG IN THE WADING POOL!? Oh that is just disgusting. Hippie stew is right! My goodness, no wonder you're so distraught.

No way. That is sooo inappropriate. Which signs? No Talking or Sexual Activity Allowed. You're kidding. Everywhere. Come on don't be silly, of course they don't have giant orgies. You're just being paranoid. Oh? Wow. Excuse me I'll be right back dear, don't go anywhere.

Hi I'm back. Sorry I just hurled a bit but I'm all settled now. No no, I'm fine. Do go on...

You were just saying that you thought you'd have your own private miniature hot spring for just the two of you with separate outdoor rooms and whatnot. Yes you were grossly mistaken. Well don't beat yourself up over it. How were you supposed to know that Harbin is cruiser central for all those crunchy Northern California types?

Well at least you got to eat at that gorgeous restaurant in St. Helena and buy wine in Napa. Wasn't that romantic? Oh good! Oh. Nevermind. BOTH of you? The flu? Well maybe you guys are allergic to hippie germs. Ha ha! Okay, well at least you had a good laugh and your neck pain went away, right?

Okay okay, don't start crying again, its all over now. You're fine. At least none of your friends are crunchy granola bears like those hedonistic New Agers from Marin who hide out in Wine Country on the weekends.

Oh look at the time darling, I have to go. My Nude Yoga class is starting in 20 and I've got to get down to the gym. Yes, Ezekiel does it too of course. What are you talking about? Its SO good for you. Don't be so stuck up. Babe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy letting a little frank n' beans relax on the carpet while breathing deep. He is all man, trust me. You should try it.

Listen, why don't we get lunch at Cafe Gratitude later? We can order from the delicious affirmations menu and get the "I Am Prosperous" live salad and the "I Am Passionate" vegan pizza. You'll love it. The staff sits down next to you while you order and they discuss your affirmation. And babe get this... when they bring out your food they repeat the affirmation to you! Isn't that great? Its nice to have someone look you in the eye just before your meal and tell you that "you are beautiful" and "you are magnificent" and you know what? It really makes you feel that way! Its like being in a giant womb, you'll love it I promise. Here, I got you a TO GO menu. Why don't you take a looksee and we'll grab some grub later. Here you go:

http://www.cafegratitude.com/cafe-gratitude-menu-entree-side-dishes

You're going to be just fine my dear.

Namaste.












Yep, it all happened to me, every word. Thanks Northern California. You bestow the beauty of Bolinas, Mill Valley, and our very own Provence upon us, then you burn out our retinas with a bunch of middle aged crystal-hugging crybabies who look like they were made out of clay.