Highly edited adventures

"Why does my daughter dress like Yassar Arafat?" was an advice question written in Monday's British Guardian. See LA? I told you to stop it with the Palestinian scarves, unless of course you truly have a passionate distaste for the Israeli government. Which of course if you do, you should express with a nice cobalt or teal keffiyeh while dancing to Steve Aoki's jams at Cinespace. Look at you, spreading the political spirit through the art of accessorizing! GOODFERYOOOUUUUU!

Not that you guys care, but I am sad that Israel exists. I know it seemed practical at the time, but Israel wasn't created by loving Christian hearts and well-meaning, treaty-writing do-gooders in government. It was created out of weird guilt and world-wide racism, coupled with already abounding Zionist tendencies from the Jews themselves. Do you think America wanted to take on millions of refugees?Homeless people?

We were like, "Eeeemmmm.... yeahhhh. Don't know how ta tell you this (Jews), but we've only got room for the rich ones. The rest of you have to stay over there, on your side. Please stop yelling you guys. In this country we like to use our indoor voices. We just ceeeaaan't squeeze you in at this time, sawry." Nice move.

Anyway, I just called in my phone as lost or stolen so as to put a stop to the repulsion/grossout laughs that my 5,000-year-old-Chinatown-dog's-asshole of a phone invoked.

I went on a date a few months ago and when I pulled out my phone the guy picked it up with his pinky as if it were a snot rag and goes 'did this just get back from Iraq?' It has exposed wires from my once-living camera, the paint is almost completely chipped off, stickers, scratches, etc.

I just uploaded my pics from the last year so here ya go. Wish I hadn't deleted the 800 other pics I took but I didn't have a lot of memory so had to delete many times. Random slice of life sampling from Veeversland...

My bestie Justin aka Panama Jack at the opening of his Lower Lower East Side establishment, Sweet Paradise

Not sure why this came out so nicely when all my other pics suck. Maybe the sun? Anyhow, went to Southeast Asia for a few months but this is the only picture I saved of it in my phone. I used to have tons of pictures of weird food, gross dogs and funny tidbits from Laos, Singapore, Cambodia, Thailand, and Taiwan.

This is in LA. That's one of my good pals Donny Miller at his art opening/book signing for Beautiful People with Beautiful Feelings. As you can see he is dressed as a sexy magician, using his magic stick to point out his giant pizza. Giant pizza!!? WACKY!

Todd Selby hosted a Chanukah party at El Cholo for a magazine photo-shoot wrap party. Don't remember which magazine it was for, but the editor's sister was a plastic surgeon. Todd forced her to show us the before and after pictures of the lipo surgeries she'd performed. Unappetizing, yet fascinating!

Karaoke at The Drawing Room with Spanky and Camille. Here he is crying on command which is fucking hilarious and which he did to me 5 times in a row. Every single time it made me cry too, which made Camille laugh. That night she took us to a birthday party for this guy Dallas who I'd barely met but a year later turned out to be one of my favorite writers! Please go here: www.dallasclayton.com

The main dining room of my favorite hotel The Madonna Inn (San Luis Obispo, CA)

Madonna Cake is NEON in person.

A little angel in a Denny's somewhere in the middle of nowhere. (Oregon?)

When I got back from the West Coast I ran into an old fling from my days in the Bay Area just before moving to New York! So this happened for a couple of months...

You may recognize this hunk from this:

Or maybe this:
And no he's not gay people! Also, 41 years old! Also, really nice! And he can cook like craze! He was only 35 in the B&W pics, around the time I met him. This is a testament to never do drugs, smoke or eat gross food. This is what we call a SILVER FOX ladies. He has those grey speckles in his hair like Clooney, all debonnaire n stuff. Still pals, still pals.

Back in LA with Crystal and Jena. I'm wearing a killer "drug rug" that I found at a thrift store in Palm Springs. Crystal is wearing a "please rape me" that she found in her closet.

On tour with The Virgins! Crystal was our driver on the first tour after Tim Barber. Tim and I hated each other on that tour. Like hated guts. But now we are buddies again. He drives 90 mph in the rain in a weighted down van filled with humans and heavy equipment as if he's just casually waiting in line for groceries. He gave me nerves the whole trip, but truth is he's fucking hilarious and has excellent jams in his iPod. Also, one of my very most favorite photographers. I fanout at his shows and stuff (www.tinyvices.com) When are you coming out with a book Tim?

Look at that wittle angel face. Virgins trivia: Donald also filmed the BEST DOCUMENTARY EVER: Billy The Kid. Puh-lease go see it! Its amazing!

Nick, Erik (sleeping)

Wade with glow-in-the-dark hair. Wade is an angelface from heaven!!! Perfect little peanut! Also: very smart, funny, likes 30 Rock alot.

Getting strangled by Nick. Nice way to treat your tour manager!

My killer pair of vintage Converse from the 80s. Emily and her adorable baby Sophie Whiterabbit were in Madison WI while we were touring, so she came to the show and took us to her local spot for a drink afterwards. Unfortunately the DJ was a raver and must've still been rolling from his trip to Goa, because he terrorized us with a techno/acid house mix all night. Anyhoo, Ems sent us to THE BEST THRIFT store in America where we scored tons of amazing goodies. I found a Poison T-shirt from the Open Up and Say Aaaahhh tour, a bunch of old boys surf gear and Crystal and Nick got some awesome shits too. Donald scored a leather jacket and turned into Jonathan Richman for the next three days while he got used to wearing it.

The Virgins opened for Jet. They had a luxury tour bus, which was essentially a liquor cabinet with wheels. This is Cam getting strangled by Chris Cester. I spent one night on the tour bus while Crystal drove the Virgins from Ohio to Kentucky. It was a beautiful drive and guess what? Kentucky's real pretty y'all! Anyhow, all we did was drink and listen to standard 70s jams. Jet told me all about Aussie food. The next day was Cinco De Mayo and we had a Pinata party after the show. Good times.

Back in NY Gavin and Emily had a rooftop party for July 4th. Gavin wheeled Sophie Whiterabbit out of the bedroom with two perfectly functioning legs and hysterical laughter ensued.

Not to be a gigantic namedropper, but those are Chloe Sevigny's legs in the background there. Gavin and Emily lead a much more glamorous, celebrity-infused lifetstyle than myself. Sorry, but I still fanout on her. Fashion HERO for real. Plus she's in American Psycho which is the #1 greatest chick flick of all time. Any movie with Christian Bale in it is a chick flick in my book. He's super dreamboat dreamy as far as good acting goes. Is it even scientifically possible for him to BE more awesome? No. its not. He's tops.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Webster Hall

My dad came to visit and we did all this fun touristy stuff like take an educational boatride around Manhattan and learn about the history of the City through its ports. Plus, it was a sunny warm day. Educational tanning? Yes please! Another thing I love about my parents visiting: nice restaurants, shopping sprees, helping me buy furniture for my apartment.

Welp, that's all. Sorry I don't have any juicy naked pictures or car accidents or funny New York street stuff like dead rats and people barfing and angry signs that people put out for the neighbors.

The End