Since black guys love me so much why can't I get ones that look like T.I.?

Black dudes are my fat meter. When I'm plump they holler. When I'm skinny they don't even notice me. They've been hollering a lot lately and I'm a wee touch nervous about it.

MTV VMA report:

++ awes! ++

- Rihanna's zombie-goth Eurythmics opener.
- Christina Aguilera's Bladerunner look.
- Russell Brand opening with "Please elect Barack Obama on behalf of the world" just before calling George Bush a retarded cowboy who couldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

-- boo --

- Miley Cyrus
- Tokio Hotel singer looking exactly like Bjork.
- Kid Rock's feature performance (why does he get to perform wtih Lil Wayne? How much longer do we have to wait for him to stop being relevant? He's wretched).