The 500 Club

Hi again! How was your Christmas? What did you get? Who was the most embarrassing relative/friend and why specifically? Don't skip details- I live for awkward moments. I got some spa-type gifts PLUS I got a copy of Infinite fucking Jest! Can't wait to read it. I hear its a perfect unemployment read since it takes two months to finish. For the three people who care about me getting laid off, do not fear. January is a busy month. I'm typing some words on some paper and giving them to people!

I just found these amazing things:


Is this NOT the best gift on earth? Fact: guys like crafty, cooky girls. If you're crushing hard on someone and want them to make fake babies with you, stick your favorite songs on one of these and voila, you're someone's girlfriend. You're welcome. But make sure you really want to show this person your privates because they cost $120. each. Buying a guy a book is nice and all but making them a mixtape on a twig is practically a marriage proposal in comparison so make sure you're not trying to impress a lost cause. Its for special people only!

Moving along, this year my Christmas was perfect. I spent Christmas Eve day at the first YSL Retrospective at the DeYoung museum. I thought it was strange that it was held in San Francisco as opposed to Paris or New York, but it doesn't matter because I got to see it and it was amazing amazing. Then we went for High Tea at The Ritz and stuffed ourselves while a girl in some sort of medieval dress played the harp. It was all very formal. Came home and watched A Christmas Story on TBS and did stocking stuffers with my family. Christmas Day we had oysters and filet mignon for dinner and did presents. Went to see The Wrestler with Liz and ended the night at my favorite Chinatown dive: the Bow Bow.

You know how Stuff White People Like says that white people love being in places where they are the only white people? That shit is true. I felt like I won something, being that we were the only two Devil's Whores* in the bar. Just us and six old Chinese men pissed out of their minds, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing really, really hard in a way we'll ever know. Here are the only pics I have from Bow Bow a few years ago:

Mama has a huge crush on Jeremiah and used to give him free drinks while charging me full price. So cool!

No idea who those guys in the back are, but the blonde is my best friend Liz.

Mr. Lee was a karaoke champ in Texas somewhere. He claimed to be World Champion and had a run in Vegas in the 80s, but I can't prove that. Even if its a complete lie, he's 80 so as far as I'm concerned he's allowed to tell anyone anything about his past, guilt free. Look at him! He's 80. Damn timeless Asians.


So. Go see The Wrestler. Not including documentaries its the best movie I saw all year. Plus my comedian friend Todd is in it. He gets to be mean to Mickey Rourke! Can you imagine? I'd be so scared. I shared the world's most boring Christmas last year with him and some other funny Jews. Check it out HERE.


The 500 Club.


* Devil's Whore = white chick, according to the late 90s conscious afrocentric dude who called me one at a Roots show.