Rape Whistle


artwork by Ted Barrow

Its time for another installment of Guys With Socially Crippling Behavior aka The Rape Whistle!

But before I tell you about it I want to make clear that you can't just blow the whis on someone because they're trying to make rad babies with you before they even know your last name. Wow a guy is trying to have the sex with you. Um doy big deal. That's just what they do and its not even really their faults. Take it up with science you crybabies! Its really about how they go for it.

There are only a few things that justify pulling out a rape whistle and blowing it in someone's face (aside from like, actually being raped), but if you catch yourself fumbling around your pockets looking for one, then you know there is no way in hell he's going to put it in you. It could be something obvious: the guy acts like a conceited chick or picks his nose in the middle of a story. It could happen sort of innocently: some guy starts flirting with you in the produce dept at Whole Foods (cliche, but my friend who works there told me its the meat market of the entire company). You start talking, which leads to a stroll over to the dried berries and nuts sections, and next thing you know he's grazing the snack bins like a 45-year old depressed divorcee. Toot toot!

Acute halitosis?* He's getting Rape Whis'd, sorry. Who needs someone kicking pebbles in their face at a party? Toot.

So its really just a turd repellent. Its the little old-fashioned lady inside, telling you you've got a Stephen Dorff on your hands and you need to beat it outta there before the dude you're with burgles any more of your time. Stupid time burglars.

Anyhow, gather round and I'll give you the goss. Ready? Okay. SO!

A few years ago my friend went on a date with this hot British guy we know. He's pretty dreamy: successful, polite, fun to be around. They had a standard night- drinking, laughing, la la la things are going well. Eventually they go back to her house, hang out for a little bit, then naturally they start kissing. All's swell with the make out, dude is hot. But then, before any boobs were even out, he gives her a gigantic blazing porn-spank. Like not even from behind even! You know, like a nonchalant I'm-kissing-you-and-everythings-going-fine-so-now-I'm-going-to-side-swipe-your-unsuspecting-ass-with-my-inappropriately-gruff-and-lecherous-man-hand.

This is normal for some, but its something that generally comes up a bit later in the relationship. Like bra is on the floor at least, later. I mean, its great if people want to shamelessly ravage each other after two drinks until they take their awful walks of shame back to their roommates at 6:30 in the morning. That's all fun and good. But without a clear green light to go ahead and whip out the tools and lotions, preemptive ass-slapping during the first minute of a first kiss on a first date is a big red flag. We still call him the Donkey Puncher, since that's clearly where they were headed had she pursued him.


Toot! Toot!

* sadly I got bombed twice in one month, both times at Justin's bar Sweet Paradise. Take note.