Holy fucking shit Aviva you look like hell What's wrong with you? Are you okay? You look... depleted, exhausted. Babe don't cry, you're scaring me. Why so glum?
What's that? Your eyes hurt? You're no longer capable of child-bearing? Oh no that's horrible! What the eff happened? Its okay you can tell me. But first wait.. you have something on your face. Is that... is that a pube? Oh my god its grey! Oh sweetie you're a wreck how'd that get there?
Harbin Hot Springs!?
Oh, you went to that natural hot spring that runs mineral water directly from a beautiful mountainside in Calistoga into a relaxing outdoor pool under the stars, in the middle of the woods, with lovely accommodations and macrobiotic cooking on site? That sounds just lovely!
Well what didn't you like abou- ooooohhh. Like as in everyone was nude? Co-ed locker room. Oof. You saw a fat guy wearing what? Babe please stop shuddering, its been a week. Now just take a deep breathe and tell me what you saw. Theeerrrre you go. Okay okay okay, just calm down. Now are you sure that's what you saw? Leather Ugg boots and a red leopard printed sari. Oh. My. God. I'm sooo sorry. Its okay sweetie, just breeeeaathe...
Now why would he take you away for a romantic weekend to relax at a place like that? He knows how much you hate hippies, right? OF COURSE you're not spiritual, I know that dear. Well next time don't be such a good sport.
How could you relax with all those grey vaginas and 43 year old dreadlocks all around you? Oh babe I can't imagine. GROUP HUG IN THE WADING POOL!? Oh that is just disgusting. Hippie stew is right! My goodness, no wonder you're so distraught.
No way. That is sooo inappropriate. What signs? No Talking or Sexual Activity Allowed. You're kidding. Everywhere. Come on don't be silly, of course they don't have giant orgies. You're just being paranoid. Oh? Wow. Excuse me I'll be right back dear, don't go anywhere.
Hi I'm back. Sorry I just felt a little bit sick but I'm all settled now. No no, I'm fine. Do go on...
You were just saying that you thought you'd have your own private miniature hot spring for just the two of you with separate outdoor rooms and whatnot. Grossly mistaken. Well don't beat yourself up over it. How were you supposed to know that Harbin is cruiser central for all those crunchy Northern California types?
Well at least you got to eat at that gorgeous restaurant in St. Helena and buy wine in Napa. Wasn't that romantic? Oh good! Oh. Nevermind. BOTH of you? The flu? Well maybe you guys are allergic to hippie germs. Ha ha! Okay, well at least you had a good laugh and your neck pain went away, right?
Don't start crying again sweetie, its all over now. You're fine. At least none of your friends are crunchy granola bears like those hedonistic New Agers from Marin who hide out in Wine Country on the weekends.
Oh look at the time darling, I have to go. My Nude Yoga class is starting in 20 and I've got to get down to the studio. Yes, Zach does it too of course. What are you talking about? Its SO good for you. Don't be so stuck up. Babe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy letting a little frank n' beans relax on the carpet while breathing deep. He is all man, trust me. You should try it.
Listen, why don't we get lunch at Cafe Gratitude later? We can order from the delicious affirmations menu and get the "I Am Prosperous" live salad and the "I Am Passionate" vegan pizza. You'll love it. The staff sits down next to you while you order and they discuss your affirmation. And babe get this... when they bring out your food they repeat the affirmation to you!
Isn't that great? Its nice to have someone look you in the eye just before your meal and tell you that "you are beautiful" and "you are magnificent" and you know what? It really makes you feel that way! Its like being in a giant womb, you'll love it I promise. Here, I got you a TO GO menu. Why don't you take a looksee and we'll grab some grub later. Here you go:
You're going to be just fine darling.
ps- this is an actual photograph of the hair standing up on my arms at Cafe Gratitude in Marin County. This is all real people! Its an old story from 5000 years ago, but it has coincidentally come up three times it the last week so I thought I'd revive it. Jennifer Brandt Taylor, this one's for you. Enjoy!