Secret No


That ^^^ is what appears on my Facebook Ads sidebar. May I ask why this would inhabit my ad space and how it applies to me? I mean, it's not exactly random. There is an algorithm that applies to individual users based on their interests, keywords in their profiles, and what kinds of links and comments they post. This means that I am Secretzen.com's key demographic. C-an't think of anything more depressing.

Well, once I got an Ad about freezing my eggs (barf). That was the day I discovered my mom works in the Facebook Ad Sales department.

I also need to ask why this service, which allows users to confess their secrets anonymously, would use a scary rape clown as their mascot? Do people log onto SecretZen.com to talk about their Pennywise fantasies?

I decided to find out and let me tell you, clown sex is far less offensive than what they have posted on this site. It's much, much worse. You see, people confess their insecurities in a pathetic attempt at prose, divulge weird fetishes, and declare that they are actually whores, liars, and opportunists. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that each secret is accompanied by a terrible, awful, cringey piece of artwork. I've selected some of my favorites for you viewing pleasure:

Just lean a little to the right

And your boyfriend does Nude Yoga

By clues you mean the ability to purchase socks that don't render you sitting in the rain by yourself?
Chicken or the egg, dear.

You know what? I hate liers too. They never sit, stand or walk. SO annoying.


I realize from my samples that it seems there are only women using this site, but I assure you there are men who confess their shortcomings too. There was one guy who had his balls removed, bronzed them, had "what's the point?" inscribed into them, took a photo of it, scanned it into his computer and uploaded it onto this site. Because that is essentially what posting a confession on SecretZen.com does to a man.