I went to the Price is Right today for Mark's birthday!! The levels of next are so deep my mind can't process it all. If I were to sit and think about how to tell this tale properly my noodle would explode, but all I can say is that the white trash continuum got a big giant hole punched into it today. We met cray cray upon cray cray bat shit cray while waiting in line (from 4am, ps). It was BEYOND. Imagine The Mad Hatter and Lady Miss Kier starring in 2 Girls 1 Cup. Then stick a moist layer of orange film over everything and wash it down with a glass of astroturf. That's sort of how it felt.

5am campout
At 5:30am I showed up to meet the guys in my pajama top, leggings and a trench coat (pervy). This is our new pal Ann.

Despite the mescalin trip we were on, the entire day was amazing. One of the most fun experiences of my life, no joke. If I wasn't so uncomfortable from being cracked up on coffee while refusing to pee in the nasty Price Is Right holding pen lavatories for 8 hours, I would've approached the producers about permitting me to film a documentary on the hopefuls.
Like Harry Potter Parking Lot meets Confessions of a Superhero. There was a crazy cat lady (of course) who spent her mandatory 10 second prescreening interview with the producers talking about her cats, endlessly, until they shut it down (she had been in the studio audience 10 times).

There was Wenzell who has been going once a week every week for 11 years and has never been picked to bid. You guys would've loved Socksnsandals; an ex-soap opera guy who kept putting pomade in his hair and practicing his reaction to winning the Showcase Showdown (he won a car 10 years prior). There was the DREW ZOO, a pack of 15 relatives who showed up in custom tees, each with a different animal and some Drew glasses. PRIMO FAB future Awkward Family Photo.*

There were plenty of scintillating bonuses, like when they made us dance to Booze Cruise jams like Brick House and Saturday Night Fever before the show to get everyone all jazzed up. The Price is Right girls were amazing, as was the George Hamilton colored announcer. My soul cried for him. We made friends with our neighbors in line: a nice old couple from North Carolina named Ann and Artillius (awesome warrior name much)? We wanted them to get picked so badly, but it didn't happen. They were bedazzled, of course.

Oh, and Drew Carey. Drew Carey.
So many more tales never to be told in this forum. It doesn't air til Sept but if I remember to tell you about it, you can set your DVRs to SAD and watch my PIR gang shame ourselves on the tele. SPOILER ALERT: we didn't go to the Showcase Showdown. All I wanted was to win $10,000 in Plinko, or send a yodeler on an ascent toward my destiny but instead I left with a coffee mug and some ants in my pants (literally, that's not a joke). Inadequate!

* Primo fab has just replaced delicious in my vocabulary.