Boner Killers, Las Vegas Edition


Sensual...Titillating...Provocative...
Enthralling...Passionate...Alluring...

These words should be stricken from the language, but we can't remove them because Las Vegas would have no adjectives left to describe it's aspirations. Sadspirations. Have I ever told you what a bad mood Vegas puts me in? I don't gamble, I hate looking at fat butts, and aside from the pretty lights the entire city makes my soul cranky.

I had a long layover on my way to New York and was dreading the fact that I had to sit in a giant aviary with a bunch of soup-scented whores, spendy tourists and nondescript fats for four hours. I know I sound like a fucking JAP but it's true.

There are only three things I like about Vegas:

1) THE NUG

I lovelovelovetyloooove those Hawaiian grandpas in red polyester suits who play Elvis covers with Ukes at the Golden Nugget in Old Town. All the locals and seedy sads from the desert gamble there. If you have the misfortune of working in retail, magazine ad sales, or streetwear (barf) and are forced to go to Magic and other embarrassingly similar trade shows, take a break and go to troll the Nugget for these aging gems before they all die. It's a culture that's Meth-ing away from us and we need to capture them in real life to enjoy their legacy of over doing everything until you look like that thing that falls off babies' pupicks.

2) THE STRIPPERS

I mean duh, they're the best built women in the world of stripping. It's just fascinating to watch, despite everything that comes along with such a profession. Too cliche to talk about.

3) LOTUS OF SIAM

It's a $56. RT cab fare from the airport, but totally worth it if you're into Thai food. Every time I go to Vegas I eat there. It's in an old strip mall between a wig shop and a super boring Korean Karaoke place (honestly, there is zero vibe in there and it's weirdly expensive). You probably don't care as much as me, but this amazing couple own it and they send their key staff (all Thais) to Germany once a year to learn about the Reislings they serve. Job perk much?

I didn't get to Lotus of Siam. Instead I had an $80. well-done flavorless burger at Mandalay Bay (includes RT cab fare and two packets of Advil). Never EVER doing that again.

Don't worry it has a happy ending: the entire oiled, basted, and glistening cast of Sunset Tan was on my flight to Vegas! It gave me the same thrill as when I saw Christian Audigier himself at the top of Runyon Canyon. It's like actually seeing Bloody Mary in the mirror after summoning her from the scorching brimstone of the underworld.

Speaking of, what fresh hell is this?

Feel bad 'cause Jeff and Devon seem like such nice guys, but LOOK AT THAT WHITE CROTCH-STITCHING.

The Ollie Girls are dumb as doorknobs. And no I'm not saying that because I'm just jealous like their moms told them. They're a couple of morons.

And now I'm in New York. As Sunset Jeff would say, "LET'S FUCKING PARTY!!!"

xo
Veevers