Off the grid

Elizabeth Spiridakis aka White Lightning has been here all week and I haven't had much time to write anything. I'm becoming nocturnal. Haven't been to gym. Still freelancing and really just kind of miss sitting in an office. Must look for work. I'll send out a few resumes. Will probably get hired as a junior writer for Conan, writing jokes for his monologue. Maybe a few sketches. Will apply tomorrow. Demetri made $12K/mo his first year. And the head writers- glass houses in the hills people! It's hard work sitting at a table full of smart assholes ripping the news apart and coming up with absurdist bits... a coveted and impossible position.

If I don't get hired by Chelsea, Conan, or Jimmy this week I'll have to consider other temporary options. Maybe I should try house cleaning. I'm already anally retentive about the cleanliness of my own home. I bleach the bathroom door handle on both sides after I throw parties. I even clean the handle on the toilet so as to avoid
indirectly touching people's privates. I mean, everyone touches the handle and the door right after a pee and lord knows if they've actually washed their hands afterward. People are pigs, especially men. They DO NOT I repeat DO NOT wash their penis hands after going wee in a bar. If they did, their surrounding bathroom brethren would shoot them a unified dude-you're-a-pussy look and shake their heads in collective disappointment. And then they touch us and kiss our cheeks and pass us drinks! With their penis hands! No thanks. I mean, I forget about it until I remember, but every time it crosses my mind it makes me want to take a bath in Epsom salt and cry like Glenn Close in the Big Chill. GROSS!

This post degenerated quickly. Moving along.

Maybe I could work as a bagger at Ralph's on Sunset. This way I'll be sure to run into people I know while I'm out on the floor, thus killing both my financial and social birds with one stone. I've also considered telling people their future. I'm not good at lying or manipulating* but I am good at giving advice. I genuinely like helping other people out. Not like moving or going to the airport help. More like listening to their inadequacies and telling them to essentially sort it out while secretly judging them kind of help. Shall open a storefront on Hollywood and Cahuenga with a neon sign in the window that reads
Psychic Warlock Inside.

For now it's back to the lab. Hope everyone's enjoying summer. Sorry will be back soon! I love you guys!

PS- are you addicted to Alexi's site yet? It's so hot. I mean that in a sexual way. Funny, ridiculous, honest, and original. She doesn't like people who lean against walls. Amazing, right? A guy who leans against walls without warrant is most likely a complete jagov. Waiting for a bus for more than 10 minutes or catching a breathe during a morning jog is okay, but otherwise you're posing for invisible cameras and we're all noticing. NAGL.

Back to Alexi. We've had two lunches in two weeks and I've found that she's good times bananas. Wish more girls were off their rocker about life- just having fun and being nice to people for no good reason. Being bananas is really the only way to live. Can't deal with boring.


* manipulative lie