Mean Apps

I realize that this maybe isn't the holiest day to be posting this, but I'm going to Yom Kippur services at 3pm so I wanted to squeeze in one last evil deed before I have to go apologize to/thank God for letting me get away with myself another year. I'm not religious, but I do go to temple once a year. It's more of an annual trip to the guilt pen for me than a spiritual experience. If you actually give a crap, which I can't imagine you do, you can read about how I once crashed a celebrity temple uptown with Debbie D HERE. Moving along.





Elizabeth aka White Lightning and I have developed a line of MEAN APPS for your iPhone. We would create these ourselves but we don't have the time so I'll just give these to you for free. Go ahead take them, they're yours...

1) THE STATUS UPDATER




This app is based on a game I used to play with a pal. You know how you want to stab at least 2 or 3 people you've befriended on Facebook due to their inappropriate status updates?  I recently went on a deleting spree and rid myself of everyone I had to shake for various reasons ranging from "who the fuck is this person, honestly?" to "I can't take one more picture of you looking so happy you turd." Once I started playing Facebook Auschwitz I couldn't stop. My finger was like an automatic rifle, deleting people by the dozens within minutes.

However, I had to keep a few obligatory a-holes on my friend list either due to long-term acquaintance or because their updates are so disgusting I don't want to lose the free entertainment. Here are some actual samples. I just can't quit these folks:

'Okay ladies..time to pull out the skinny jeans and Jimmy Choos... this girl is headin out the house!'

'I am DONE being sick. This Diva has her MAC lips ON!'


'Mentally and physically exhausted. I feel weird and confused about everything. Ugh. And I'm done with my period so it's not pms!! WTF?'




'Giving my brother Evan a ride to his colonoscopy'


Honestly I don't know how people do it. I mean why not just go nuts with something like:

'ATTENTION LADIES: VAGISIL 3-DAY = FALSE ADVERTISING'

or maybe

'DO TEARS MAKE CAKE BATTER TASTE BETTER? NEED TO KNOW BEFORE NANNYSWAP STARTS!'

The Status Updater exports your selected favorites directly to your iPhone onto a stream which can be shared with a network of other iPhone users. Much like Twitter but for embarrassing FB faux pas only.


2) THE FACE BREAKER



U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly WHATWHAT you uglayyyy... This one is made for your super pretty friend who is prettier than all the rest of you and knows it. The one who ruins all spontaneous funtimes by making you take 5 photos of her til you get the best shot. Snap away because this app has an option that allows you to review your photos with a slightly expanded playback that makes everyone look fat, an undetectably subtle but present funhouse distortion, or a broken mirror. Comes with Facebook Upload option and a Twitpic gadget. Get her!

3) ANONYMOUS BITCHY TEXT MESSAGING



Just send your shitty underhanded thoughts to this app along with the destination phone number and voila! This is the best alternative to drunkenly telling off your ex and it's a great way to harass their new girl/boyfriend consequence-free! (you obvs already have their number, know where they work and follow them on Twitter under the name Eugene Slovovia, you little stalker).

Send these to your boss, roommate, or that guy you met once at a party who was kind of annoying and all your friends wanted to smash his face in but you took pity on him and in a moment of empathy gave him your number and now he invites himself to everything and will probably move to the same city you do, no matter where that is. Send any message to anyone through this app- it hides your number and the source. One rule though: we said BITCHY texts, not LIFE RUINING.

So there. Someone develop these and go make a million dollars. You're welcome!