Okay fine New York is superior to Los Angeles LALALAAA I know! But since I'm living in perm vacayland now, I've made a list of things that don't suck. CRUNCH and it’s members are not on this list. We’ll skip the obvious beach/hiking/desert/Grade A thrifting/scenic/comfortable/spread out/cheap organic food/healthy stuff and get to the gems:
1. NEAT-O BURRITOS
These wizards know how to make a Mexican food log like no one else. Have you tasted those rounded food piles at the Taco Zone taco truck? The carnitas are better than the honkey-friendly ones at La Esquina,which are delishaaasssss.
2. PROBABILITY OF HAVING YOUR MELLOW HARSHED EXPONENTIALLY LOWER THAN IN OTHER CITIES
True that living in LA is like trudging through a bog, except the peat moss is actually a mangled mass of desperate, rejectable assheads. However, once you get through the cultural sludge and find your own artfaggy weirdos to laze around with in the sun, LA is a place where you can quietly spread out in a piss-free, garbage-free plot of land, unlike New York. You can enjoy a $5.00 cup of Intelligensia with people who are intrinsically more relaxed than your hysterical, perpetually dissatisfied pals back home in The City. Instead of talking about how ‘the scene is dead’ and how you know at least 5 people who have died from heroin overdoses (I’m not kidding), you’ll debate whether you should get a brand new Prius or a fully restored 1985 convertible roll-top Jeep with a Malibu sunset airbrushed on the doors.
3. YOU OUTDRESS EVERYONE EVEN IN YOUR HANGOVER OUTFIT
4. HOUSE PARTIES ARE PRIMO FAB
There isn’t much to do here at night except get cheesy with the B&T and since models and bottles aren’t on your agenda, ever, you will end up in people’s homes. This is a good thing because almost everyone has a nice place. In the few short months I’ve lived here I’ve gone to parties with an actual outdoor dancefloor installed, glass houses in the hills, pools w slides and waterfalls, outdoor hottubs with views of the City below, beach houses in Malibu, cozy but beautiful bungalows in Los Feliz with gardens and yards and real property attached, farmhouses, mansions, and 1960’s architectural homes that were so rad I spent the whole time being jealous of the hosts instead of focusing on drinking their booze.
Also, being in people's homes is a nicer way to make friends and new eff buddies than being in a LES cokehole where sweaty foreigners scream over your head for Wodka Tawnicks. It takes a little more time and effort, but it's just flat out more real than running into the same people all the time who wouldn't even know that you died alone in your apartment after coming home from a bender until two weeks later when a neighbor found you and it ended up in the Post because they found hate mail from Jon Stewart in your pocket which revealed that you'd given him the herps. One time I left New York for 9 months to travel all over the werldz and when I got back people were like "I didn't even know you left." Nice. Those aren't friends those are alcoholics.
5. YOU'RE COOLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO BE COOL
Okay here's the deal. You're better than almost everyone in LA. Honestly. Your friends are better too. Unless you are a night-clubbing Hollywood social climber who trolls Teddy’s on the reg and eats at Geisha House then chances are you’re just plain better. True, people here might be 8 jillionty times nouveau richier and more successful than you, but your priorities and taste far excel theirs. And they know it. Deep down they know it.