Like my happily-married-with-two-kids friend Blogn*gger says "Careful, being married is like having a TV with only one channel."
Okay so you're not married, but you're also not sad about being able to touch strangers' privates. You love meeting randoms in bars and taking them home, right? (Kidding).
It's fun to meet guys/girls and go out to eat and watch movies but truth is, if you're single for too long you start writing your own eulogy because you know you are going to die alone. Eventually that's how everyone feels. We need to be kissed, hugged and effed to feel healthy and happy, so it's very important that you do things to make that happen.
As much as I love a rotation of awkward manfolk trying to blaze me by the end of the night (who doesn't?) one channel sounds good to me. Not that I'm going to marry the next guy I go on 3 fun dates with. Trust me, I wish it were that easy to fall in love. But now that I'm 27 (COUGH COUGH) I've been thinking about making tiny people and I've decided it's time to get off my lazy buns and start doing things that will get me wifed up, like training to ride a bike from Vancouver to Malibu. Attending The Futurist's annual conference in Chicago. Reading to old people. And less lofty goals like, you know, cooking a decent meal.
Anyhow, here are 5 things you CAN and SHOULD do to improve your loveableness. No one is perfect and sure, you're not always going to call when you're supposed to, you'll be late or you might even say something mean and stupid, but those aren't the things I want to lecture you about because we're all human and we all mess up. My list is 5 simple things that if you can do, will make you more attractive inside and out. No one wants a lazy turd, so stop slobbing around and improve yourself. NOW!
1) MANNERS ARE FREE. USE THEM.
I really don't mind most people. I like a crazy as much as I love a shy little bean of a man. I've dated everyone from mysteriously dark-minded Dior models to spazzed-out dorky comedians. You make me happy, we're good. The only thing that I cannot and will not tolerate is rudeness. It's the one thing I'm really old-fashioned about. It's a sign of respect to show people manners and it feels good to be considerate.
Openly belching in someone's face is gross. Checking your phone at a restaurant and looking at everyone else but the person you're talking to is rude. Leaving an empty toilet paper roll on the thingy, rude. Ordering 5 drinks at a group dinner, rude. Incessant cursing, insanely specialized ordering, laying on your car horn... rude. How do NOT know this? It's common sense you animal!
2) DON'T BE CHEAP. IT'S DISGUSTING.
This is my very worst pet peeve because it is so tacky, makes everyone miserable, and is symbolic of how selfish and ungenerous you are. Basically, if you go to a group dinner, be prepared to split it and spend more than you want to. If you order a ton of drinks or more food, throw down some extra bones without trifling over the bill. On some occasions it's appropriate to trifle but 90% of the time, you're just being a dick.
Tip 20% always. If the service sucks still leave 15% unless your waiter was flat out offensive. It's hard to run a smooth restaurant 100% of the time so just calm down. Shit happens and it's not a big deal if they mess it up a little. And you know what? Even if you are broke that extra dollar or two isn't going to break you. What are you going to do with one extra fucking dollar? Give it to the cabbie, the nail ladies, the valet, whoever. Bartenders clearly don't buy homes from bartending, so just tip a dollar a drink. You don't have to be lavish but be fair. It's just not worth it.
3) WASH YOUR HANDS YOU TOAD!
If you think I'm going to let you touch the most important parts of my body with those dirty fingernails you are OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND.
4) EXERCISE. PLEASE. WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.
You are fat, huh? I know I am no peach when it comes to exercize. I mean, in my head I'm one of those black ladies who weighs 250 lbs and rocks tight little dresses everywhere because no one is ready for this jelly, milkshake, lady humps or whatever it is I have attached to my big butt back there. But in reality I have to do yoga and go running if I want to enter the bewn zewn with a super hot manfish of my choosing. I know from history that when I'm in shape I feel awesome and everyone wants to bone someone when they're feeling awesome (and looking awesome).
Listen, no more complaining about it. You can do it. Just get on your bike or walk. Go play soccer with your friends in the park. Go to Crunch on Sunset and witness Jeff Goldblum hanging out with the staff and working out in his jeans (not a joke). I mean look at you, you're gross. And you know what else? Being fat makes you smell bad. Do you want to smell bad? Then shut up and be proactive! We don't want to hear it.*
5) FOOD. LEARN TO COOK IT.
This is KEY. My dad told me he fell in love with my stepmom because of her amazing French cooking skills (and she looked like Grace Kelly when she was younger). There is no one in this world who doesn't mention someone's cooking skills when they're good. I've been making so much good food lately I'm pretty sure someone will want to die with me once they taste it. I mean, that's what marriage is right? You pick someone to die with and hopefully they eff you all the way to heaven and you never get sick of each other...right?
* Ladies: it's OKAY to have cellulite. As long as you take care of yourself some natural bits of fat still look fine. You can't hide a toned body and some of us just have soft tushies (me). Just wanted to make you feel better. The other good news is that most guys don't care- as long as you are fun in the sack they think you're foxy. But most importantly, it's about YOU feeling good about yourself. Go on, big fine black ladies in tight little dresses! You got it!