I barely lost my V. when I was in high school. This was because I was a GIGANTIC nerd and no one would come near me. I met the entire checklist of teen barfage: braces, glasses, Jewfro and, according to Colin Aston-Smith, knock knees. For the record, once I got my first cool/older/surfer boyfriend, my social status jumped a few notches on the totem pole and I became marginally acceptable to the popular girls, but not really. I went from asymmetrical-drama-freak-with-a-giant-L-on-my-forehead-who-sobbed-so-hard-on-the-way-home-every-day-after-school-that-I-required-a-constant-stash-of-tissues-in-my-backpack to someone who could actually lose my V. Finally.
Anyhow, yeeears before I was making out in convertible Jeeps with my fancy new boyfriend I kissed one guy. One. Guy. Enter kind of cute half Japanese half Italian Daniel. We made out a big ol bunch one night. I'm glad you weren't there because it was unquestionably repulsive. Remember when you were younger how sometimes a guy would kiss you all intensely and they’d make their tongue all hard and stabby til it felt like a slobbery finger was doing seismic work inside your mouth? Daniel and Aviva, all the way.
This heinous scene occurred at my friend Jocelyn's house in her mom's bed. I remember that we were basically dry humping (that's what virgins do) and he kept accidentally banging my head against the headboard. The headboard had a set of shelves built into it (so 80s!) and was part of a matching bedroom set- the chintzy, glazed, paneled kind that they give out on game shows.
We didn't know what we were doing so I think we were being overly dramatic about it all. I remember not being into it but being too embarrassed to act like I was inexperienced so I just went with it.
So there we were making fake boning noises and kissing really loudly- I mean it seriously must have sounded like we were in a pie eating contest - and all of a sudden this sticky, kind of heavy object fell off one of the shelves and onto our heads. I fished around for it in the dark, picked it up and holding it in both palms, smelled it. I couldn't make out the scent, weight and what I immediately realized was the girth of the object. Of course it was a big, dirty, vibrating dildo. The kind you put IN(?) To this day it occasionally crosses my mind, inducing a cross-eyed shudder.
I went back to school on Monday and was tipped off that half my class already knew about Daniel and the Dildo. But what's cool about it was that somehow by the end of the day I had also apparently given him a beej. In an open field. Behind the middle school. In front of a homeless man.
First, why? Second, this was in Mill Valley where there are no homeless people, but if there WERE homeless people it would be one clean shaven guy wearing a fleece Patagonia and comfort sandals because the upscale hippies (read: yuppies) there would never stand for it otherwise.
Theenks Daniel FUCKING Miyake for starting such a rad rumor, that was super cool! I mean, I understand telling people you effed a hot chick, but I was a knock-kneed, brace faced drama freak, remember?? How could that possibly help your social status?
Anyhow, Daniel should've gotten a beejay from me in college when I blossomed into a non-quasimodoesque vertebrate who made out with babes and winners. He'd have been a lot higher up on the totem pole.