TABLE FOR ONE!


Nick of Tim by Nate Turbow


When I was trying to force myself out of being in love with someone (doesn't work) I decided to brave the bar scene and let the 30+ yr old retail employees who troll them try to convince me they work in 'fashion' (actual scenario happened- the guy worked at the American Apparel on Melrose). Being that I'm not much of a Boner Hunter, it got too grim for me so I did what every girl does when she's getting over someone- I spent my Friday nights on Yasi's couch playing online Scrabble and watching Super Nanny and Wife Swap. This came to be known as Nannyswap Fridays and we would name our Scrabble games things like "SADNSINGLE" or "TABLE FOR ONE" or "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" Occasionally our friend and downstairs neighbor Steve Lee would bring us Nacho Fries from Benitos and laugh at us.

Once we almost baked ourselves a wedding cake but the thought alone was so hilarious even talking about it induced tears, and there's a 'no crying' rule on Nannyswap Fridays. One time this guy picked me up from Yasi's for our first date. He walked in on Nannyswap and saw a big jar of pickle juice on the coffee table, an industrial sized bottle of Tapatio and Yasi's cat taking a shower in the kitchen sink under a running faucet. Date went well! Until immediately after we kissed, when I updated my Facebook Status to "In a Relationship" from my phone, then poked him in the ribs and said "Daddy can you take Mommy to In-n-Out?" (so wish I had the balls to do that to someone)

All jokes aside, I'm B-O-R-E-D. I've met a lot of nice guys this year but I haven't really met anyone I am drooling over in the brain yet. I had fun in New York for 5 weeks- met 4 guys, went out with 3, liked 2, hit it off with 1, and now I'm back in LA where there are 0 guys I like. At least that I know of.

LA is the land of Perpetually Overdone Everything. Everyone needs to CHILL out here. I mean, New York might be hectic and frenzied, but the people are relaxed so I feel relaxed there. As a culture, New Yorkers are confident and self-possessed. In LA, the city is relaxing, but the people are hysterical. Everyone's constantly shitting themselves, and over what? WHO CARES?

How do you not know that being a show off is embarrassing? Peeling out at a red light is not actually a cool thing, unless you live in a movie about teen angst from 1981. Every time you walk into a restaurant the entire place stops and turns toward the door to look you up and down (soooo queer). I love living here I do, but there are things about it that drive me nuts. Those things are the people. Outside of my friends I am not impressed.

And the guys here seem to have a serious problem getting dressed. Here's a tip for the hot guys: STEP AWAY FROM THE FEDORA

Girls, you guys all have good bodies and shiny hair so far, so my only advice is to stop being so mean to other girls. Honestly, it's  awful. No one is going to die if you're not the prettiest girl in the bathroom at Teddy's.

Anyhow, real talk- are there any guys in LA who don't look like they're wearing a costume that explains whatever type of music they're into? Truth is, I don't really give a shit what you're wearing if you're nice and polite and don't show off. It's New Boyfriend time.