Wow my casting agency is really nailing it. Not.





Remember when they sent me an email asking for a chunky fat-ass lonely who has just broken out of her depression and joined Jenny Craig as part of her "NEW ME" post-divorce  missionSpot-on! Welp, today I got this:


Your profile matches three criteria for the following role:

Gender:  MATCH

Ethnicity:  MATCH

Age Range:  MATCH


Description: IN VERY GOOD SHAPE, TONED AND FIRM BUT NOT BULKY BODY BUILDER.  PRETTY IN AN OFFBEAT WAY.  COULD BE CHARACTERFUL.  MUST BE ATHLETIC AND ABLE TO PLAY THE WORKOUT GAME.  HIGH KICKS AND SQUATS AND PUNCHES.


First off, the word "characterful" is irritating to read, write or say. But more importantly, what does "pretty in an offbeat way" mean, specifically? Define off-beat. Like, eyes too far apart with a flat nose like Kate Moss way? Gap-toothed beauty? Tilda Swinton pretty?


WTF CAN YOU GUYS STOP CALLING ME FAT AND/OR KIND-OF-PRETTY-BUT-NOT-TRADITIONALLY-PRETTY-YOU-KNOW-NOT-IN-THAT-HEAD-TURNER-TYPE-OF-WAY-BUT-PRETTY-ENOUGH-PRETTY?


But I do love "the workout game." No I don't.


I don't even fit either of the 2 roles they've sent me. I'm not fat or skinny, I'm not toned or flabby, I'm not beautiful or off-beat. I'm just cute and normal like 90% of the rest of the women on the planet. Leave me alone, casting agency (which I haven't been to once because I do not want to be an actress and the only reason I filled out a profile is because I wanted to do production on Matt Lenski's Kia hamster commercial and he made me read for a part).


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