10 Tips For How To Get a Boyfriend at Summer Camp

 
 
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1. Come in hot. The second your parents’ car is out of sight, immediately scan the scene and suss out the most promising looking group of girls. Glom onto them like your life depends on it (it does). 

2. Manipulate your way into the group by ingratiating yourself with the leader; The Tall One, obviously. TIP: Make sure you're the second prettiest one so she lures the cutest wolf pack, couples up with the leader, and you get her primo spill-off.

3. Name your crew. Title is essential, as it will double as an identifier and a dog whistle for cute boys. Try confident names like “All The Single Ladies" or "The Sassy Frasses". IDK, you're 10 years old and Rated G, so pick accordingly.

4. Keep your casting tight. Round out the essentials of your posse with: The Brains, The Beauty, The Funny One, The Garbage One, and The Second Prettiest One aka The Sidekick (this is you, sorry). 

5. Scope the scene for hotties. Now that the first day of camp is over and you've established your crew, look for boys with names like Taschen, Beckham, Nader, Dev, Dej or Devonté. They are mysterious and have rich parents. 

6. Mark your territory. You want to take a tour of the camp, making notes about which boys you will be hunting down and turning into your summer boyf. You'll have to do some recon on the ones you like, hope that The Tall One doesn't take your top pick, and hunker down on strategy.

7. Have a strategy. A great way to let a boy know you have a crush on him is to shoot a dart into a relatively harmless area of his body. Once your target hits the ground, immediately run to his side and let him know it was a total accident and is there anything you can do and oh gosh you feel so bad. He'll not only recognize your nurturing side, you've created a shared moment of intimacy! 

8. Have a backup plan. If you don't have a dart handy, try tripping the boy you like flat on his face as he walks by. Repeat steps in #7. Voila! He's in love.

9. Get to know him. Use this handy questionnaire as an icebreaker:

  • Check the one that applies to you: veterinarian or pediatrician?

  • Do you want: a) loft in the city b) craftsman just outside of town c) farmhouse upstate

  • Vacation home: Venice Beach bungalow or Paris Pied-à-terre

  • Pick one: Two Golden Retrievers or four Maltese-Yorkies?

  • Yes or No: Boy first, followed by a girl two years later.

10. Have fun! Now that you've got a solid boyf who loves you so much he will never love again, explore the fun and nature of summer camp together, making sure no other female camper so much as lays eyes on him so help you God. 

Good luck! 

 
 
 
Michael Molloy